Wow. Okay. Listen. I’m sorry. We’re all so sorry.
But here’s what happened:
â€¢ The boss got us all iPhones in the office. Then the App Store launched, and we just spend all our days and weekly expense allowance in the hope that we might review the products we expense in the magazine some day, downloading vast amounts of flashlights for the iPhone, Zen pond-like things, and to-do managers (on which the first thing we mark as a to-do is to write a review of the application for Sane Magazine). The sheer amount of bandwidth we’re consuming on the office’s poor little Wi-Fi network (SSID: wombatsdigit) has made it nearly impossible to do any research on the upcoming week’s issue and, once we’ve failed to do research and have simply written something regardless of fact(s), it has prevented us from actually uploading the thing. Really.
â€¢ Then the boss got a Wii for the office. Frankly, possibly the stupidest move in a long history of stupid moves. We’ve been playing Active Life Outdoor Adventure and begun talking around the water cooler about going kayaking at the weekend, though none of us have ever actually seen a kayak in the water before, nor would we know where a pond exists, nearby, where you’re allowed to put in with a kayak. Also, most of us probably realize, in our heart of hearts, that our skills in paddling with a Wii Remote probably won’t translate to a hard wooden paddle in a boat that rocks significantly more than a plastic mat laid out on the floor in front of the breakroom television.
â€¢ Then the boss found this nice babysitter who was willing to babysit for the entire office. Wait, that doesn’t sound right. No, what she does is she babysits our children, while we go out, and you know, stare at all the people out and about who are taller than 3 foot 4 because we haven’t seen many people of that size in some time. It’s unsettling. The amount of tall people, not the woman watching our kids, or our own staring (though that may very well be the case for the people at which we’re staring). And when we’re staring, wide eyed and startled in the bright lights of a life outside the office and home, both, we’re not writing, suffice it to say.
But all of those are just excuses. What we really came here for today is to apologize.
You see, since Sane Magazine has gone on largely unannounced and unnoticed hiatus, well, the global economy has pretty much gone into the toilet.
So we’re making a major effort, turning off our fledgling 8 and 1 Boston Bruins Season mode in NHL 2K9, shutting down our iPhones, and having the babysitter arrested on suspicion of intent to commit insurrection. And we’re finally, finally sitting down to work on some more content for you guys. But we wanted to start off with this apology, first. So here it is: We’re sorry.
Also, our electricity has been turned off, since Sane Magazine has been largely funded on stocks and betting on mortgages, most of which have gone bad, and we’re going to post this issue from the Starbucks’ Wi-Fi down the street while our laptop batteries have a few hours life left in them.
Sane Magazine has not actually, so far as we know, caused the huge economic meltdown. We will not be held responsible for bailing out anyone, lest the be playing Active Life Outdoor Adventure and fall out of the kayak and begin to drown. In this case, and this case alone, we will bail someone out. By throwing them the Active Life Outdoor Adventure Life Vest.
Also, no horoscopes in September, to mark the occasion. Check back in NaHoWriMo, which, for the lay person, is National Horoscope Writing Month, also known as “October.”
The rumor that this issue has been written under threat is also not true.
If you want to support Sane in these dire times (or simply make a pithy statement about the Economic Collapse ™), you can now buy the t-shirt! Tell your grandkids that you were there, and this ratty old t-shirt is the proof! Or buy the military cap, because we could well be on the verge of anarchy and all-out war! Yahoo! Fight for the Sane Magazine side… as we said, we have a Wii, and all employees have an iPhone…