All right.
We knew this day was going to come, we weren't altogether happy that it would be coming, but we knew about it, we sort of made some preparation-like things in lieu of it, and we sat back and waited for the day on which we'd have to address it. Which is today.
To be honest, it was probably yesterday, but we weren't as ready as we had initially thought, and had lost the notebook in which we'd written all the stuff down for easy remembering come the day that we would have to use it. So, after a frantic scramble, yesterday, to find the notebook, we decided that yesterday might not have been the day, and that, hey, you know, was probably today. Lucky happenstance.
We're going to be holding, on the exact opposite spot on the globe from Jerusalem, unless that spot happens to be a cold and unforgiving climate (or even just plain cold), in which case we'll be in the nearest warm available hotel, a big get-together. Not anytime in the next couple months, but just at about the same time that millions and billions of people around the world decide to pop off to Jerusalem for a little pilgrimage, maybe some repentance, before the world ends. Not that it's really going to end, though if the lot goes off, camps out all in the same place, there's likely going to be some poor packing issues, and the whole world is going to go spinning off, out of control, into outer space, and if you left a sandwich on the counter, depending what sort of sandwich it was, it's probably going to be flung all over the place, and in no condition to be eaten, when you get back from the Holy Land. Which will probably be quite a while, as planes can't function properly when you bring on a portable CD player, how do you expect them to work when the planet's spinning off into the further reaches of outer space? Not very well would be the answer we're looking for. So you're stuck of in Jerusalem, fearing for the good health of your sandwich you'd left on the counter, as well as the glass of milk, which, we needn't tell you, is more than likely gone, as well, and there's pretty much nothing you can do about it.
Unless you come to our party, instead. Which, in addition to being a good deal more fun than fearing for the end of the Millennium and world in one fell, tidy swoop, will balance out the globe (this is why we've scheduled our party for the opposite side of the globe, to balance the weight of the planet. Nice thinking, huh?), saving your sandwich and glass of milk, and leaving those folks in Jerusalem just the worry of the world ending, and not about the Fate of what they're going to do for supper upon their return.
And we'll have those little umbrellas you put in alcoholic beverages, as well as, and perhaps more importantly, the alcoholic beverages which you tend to put little umbrellas in.
Luckily, despite the allure of our party, we believe in the strength of people's conviction that the world is going to end, so not everyone will rush over to our party instead of the other on in Jerusalem, causing pretty much the same problem as before, only with a group of a lot happier people being spun around space to their probable demise, which we would feel pretty badly about.
disclaimer:
We're now going to take the Millennial doomsayers out back and beat them with a stick.
Not only is the hysteria around the millennium wonderfully unfounded, it also isn't bloody logical. If you choose to define logic according to a historical perspective on cause and effect and the extrapolation of past results from situations that either mirror, or can be suitably compared to the event at hand, or coming to hand. And, based on such a logic, which we, granted, don't like to cite all too often, for fear of giving it a big head, both an end to the millennium and the world in one fell swoop, as we believe we've said elsewhere, is tidy. Too tidy. When the hell has anything ever gone like that?
Frankly, it seems a little handy to have them both done with at the same time, not to mention a bit contrived. It's a nice enough thought, oh hey, look, my lease is up on January 1, 1999, too, so is the waiting period so I can buy that handgun I always wanted, as well as the submission date for entries into the sweepstakes for the Mini that the Wedding Present is giving away again! Nice try. But we all know that your still going to have three towels left on the paper towel roll, a half a banana, and four-hundred and seventy three twist ties left over for the two trash bags you've got in the pantry.
It's time to start worrying about the real issues, like the thousands of comets, poised and ready to come smashing into the Earth if we don't start creating more Comet Watchers positions at astronomy labs and observatories around the world and breeding a type of person that's willing to be shot up there to the comet and detonate a nuclear device scattering the comet, saving the lot of us, and leaving us to worry about other pressing issues, like the horrible oversight in the newest budget for ghostbuster training, which should definitely be a government-appointed position.
Yer Weekly Horoscopes. guess yer fortune, win absolutely nothing!