Taurus April 20 - May 20
Deliriously soapy!
This week four of the "Friends" stars pop over to your soap-operatic life and have a barbeque. You begin to think you got the Australian version, when they make nary a crack about throwing shrimp on the barbie, though they be doing just that, with rather poor aim, too, I might add.
The package from the mysterious East from last week turns out to be a lock of your long lost lover's hair, and a note, saying that they'd picked up the milk, and were just heading back now, though it looked like there wouldn't be a train coming for the next few days.
The Russian family next door bakes scones and leaves them scattered about your lawn.
Leo July 23 - August 22
You are running through a field of lilies this week, while a shepherd takes a break from tending the sheep to play a joyous tune on his recorder, the air is sweet and fresh, some deer appear to be frolicking along beside you, and you believe some University student that's read too much Keats has even stopped from pining away for the loss of another minute to write a sonnet about the scene which almost never mentions death or sadness, but for the final few lines, where apparently his Keatsian-influenced psyche caught up and made sure something of the kind was thrown in. It's an absolutely wonderful, pastoral-like week.
Until you realise they've just extended hunting season on deer, and they were all just trying to hide behind you.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Virgos really haven't had a good adventure in a while, have they? Haven't skipped off for some remote area (or gotten stuck in a tree, or chained in a cave, you know what we mean) for any sort of fun in a long while, by our count. So you'd figure some sort of adventure would be in store for you this week, right?
Well, sorry to disappoint, but, as any great journey begins with a step, that's how your left this week; after packing your bags, making sure you've turned off all the lights and watered the plants, you take one step... and that's it. What a journey we have planned for you!
Gemini May 21 - June 20
If you were to, instead of your normal routine, hang a left on Sackett Street (which could possibly be quite a ways out of your normal routine for a lot of you) you'd find that you'd been labouring under the pretension that gambling never got anyone anything, as there's a store that sells lottery tickets guaranteed to win. Guaranteed.
However, if you don't hang that left you'll probably miss it, it's a small store, the one next to building with the woman out front with all the cats and quite a large collection of moss carpetting her stoop.
If you're a celebrity you better not cry, you'd better not pout, because I'm telling you why, something something, forgot how the song goes.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Electricity, it is our friend, but is also our hidden enemy in so many different ways.
In other cases, it is our very loud and blatantly obvious enemy, usually in any sort of scenario involving a bathtub, sink, or other reasonably sized body of water. Due to a frustrated technician in Hong Kong, we recommend buying a new electric toothbrush before too long.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
I do believe I've pulled that "duck" scheme in a previous horoscope, just to get out of writing a proper prediction, and either leave the person lying on the floor, or wondering "why the hell did I duck?" It's a cop-out, sure, but look how far it's gotten me, I haven't had to predict much of anything for Cancers for two whole weeks!
You will avoid dairy products this week.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
After the interlude with your old chum last week (who's now resting comfortably at their flat, and the swelling's mostly gone down), you take care to write letters to the old friends whose addresses you still have, in order to save on those messy face-to-face interactions.
Nice touch of leaving off a return address, by the way.
Aries March 21 - April 19
And what a good time! That club turns out to be the dawning of a whlole new era for you, one in which you go to clubs and have fun!
Or so you tell yourself, though, once the thrill of having left Jean Paul Sartre behind fades and that guy in the loud shirt spills another third of his drink on you (that's the fifth third, by the way, if you'd been counting), the club scene begins fading, and already that era that was once joins the stable of by-gone eras, sidling up alongside your denim era, your leather pants era, and your big hair era. May they get on well, you say.
Libra September 23 - October 22
You find that Horace Walpole's stolen your tea kettle!
The spiteful bastard not only has the lack of grace to re-materialise in your parlour and tell boring stories about the afterlife, but after you've thrown him out for breaking your candy dish, you notice that he's nicked your tea kettle!
Well, more power to him, your week demands patience, civility, and sending off a handy cheque to the nice lads at sanemagazine.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
So, you're sitting around the flat/house/internet café, got no horoscope, what do you do? All these other people, sharing joyful stories of their absolutely splendid week-to-be, and you've got nothing, whatever shall you do?
Well, I've found pity to be most effective when trying to pick up a quick snog or the like, so why don't you give it a go? You might thank the Board of Horoscopal Integrity and Little Hot Dogs for not sponsoring your horoscope.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
This week that strange smell you'd been starting to notice around your flat comes out and introduces itself.
It's not all too clear on it's age (or possibly it is, it doesn't enunciate quite properly, and you have a hard time understanding it), but it appears that it's a former head of lettuce that acquired life, along with a few other items, it hints, when you had that power surge a few weeks ago, yes, around the time you found that broken bottle of milk in the refrigerator. You should offer it some sort of food, and when you go get it out of the kitchen bring back some air freshener, or it's going to be quite difficult to keep talking to this erstwhile head of lettuce.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Has this ever happended to you?
You get a lovely bunch of flowers in the box outside your window, someone comments on them, laughs, says they'll be dead in a week, knowing you (the requisite fight and drubbing of the offending party, of course, taken for granted), and you say oh no they will not, and you set about with added determination in watching after them (and that's effectively all you do, as it's not the sort of weather to be fussing about with flowers, with the window open), and you think to look at them maybe a week later, maybe more, and sure enough, they're dying, or at least not looking to excited about having to see you every day?
One of two things help in those instances: 1) You beat up the person who mentioned the flowers the first time (which is dead on accurate, as there's the slight chance you hadn't ever noticed them before), or 2) You mark everything up to a conspiracy, and go out and buy a plot of land and accompanying subterranean shelter somewhere in Montana or Utah or something out in America where they have places for things like that.
[Horoscopes. punch me when it's over.]
