Taurus April 20 - May 20
Due to the instability of certain signs this week, clouds appearing sporadically and largely without warning, and my telescope not working entirely properly this week we're using a reflecting pool to make our predictions about your week.
Your week is going to be incredibly damp. And, ehm, you'll probably have a slight run-in with Tom Hanks later in the week.
Okay, so we're not quite as proficient at reading pools of water.

Leo July 23 - August 22
The reflecting pool just caught a nasty glint of the Sun, almost blinding me, which has happened before, whilst staring at the stars (a co-worker jokingly swivelling the telescope around to the Sun wasn't my idea of a terribly funny joke, though, and I have to admit I sort of took to just giving the most cursory of glances at the stars between 13 November and 18 December). But I'll soldier on.
The emu, despite your efforts to placate it, won't speak to you, after having caught you attempting to escape Greenland.
 And if you've never seen a put-out emu, oh boy, are you in for a harrowing week.

Virgo August 23 - September 22
The reflecting pool has what looks like chili in it, which may be my fault, as I was bending over the pool earlier, during a brief break in horoscoping (as we in the industry call it) with a chili-covered thing.
Either way, the chili in the pool tells me you're going to have great success in any Mexican Hat Dancing competitions you might enter this week.
The chili in the pool also notes that you wouldn't see anything like chili in the stars, which might be a case for or against divining horoscopes via a reflecting pool.

Gemini May 21 - June 20
Dipping a finger into the reflecting pool (it's rather warm, warmer than I would have thought, for this time of year), the circles that fan out away from my finger seem to indicate you're going to be beheaded by a crazy mob of French people.
Or just annoyed quite a bit by a mob of French people, which is a bit of a given, isn't it?
Or that reading may simply have been inspired by the annoying group of French people that walked by.
Either way, avoid French people this week. If you are French you may have to improvise.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19
I've just tried putting tea leaves in the reflecting pool to make the predictions slightly more lively and/or accurate.
So now I've got a bunch of soggy tea leaves in the pool, and they're telling me... that you will... more likely than not... really suffer for the Indian you have on Wednesday.
And they also say to be nice to dogs.

Cancer June 21 - July 22
Okay, I've just taken the tea leaves out of the pool, due to a policeman coming over and asking me to take the leaves out of the reflecting pool, as "it's not to be used for tea." Despite my explanations that I wasn't making tea. No matter, they didn't seem to work too well, anyway.
Without the benefit of tea leaves, then, you will be caught singing "Like a Lady" as you wander the aisles of the supermarket (Somerfields or Price Chopper, if we're reading this correctly) looking for balsa wood and peanuts.
As you're being arrested for "Refusing to stop singing Tom Jones' songs in public places" (Article 204.3b) a crowd that insufficiently grasps the concept of irony throws peanuts at you.
They switch to rice when they run out of peanuts.

Pisces February 19 - March 20
You know, the policeman didn't say a thing about the chili in the pool when he was over, asking me to take the tea leaves out. Which I find rather suspicious. Suspicious and sexist, I'd say.
The pool likes your chances in the fifth at Suffolk Downs on Tuesday. It would put down a couple of quid on you if it were allowed to bet with real money.

Aries March 21 - April 19
A bird sitting on the opposite edge of the reflecting pool is making me slightly nervous. And my nervousness isn't helped by the fact that I took my shoes off a little while ago and dipped my feet in the pool. So if I have to run now I'm either going to have to make my escape barefoot (and a bird will, nine times out of ten, outrun a barefoot person) or risk putting my shoes back on and then run. I just can't remember if you're supposed to try and stare down a bird or if you're supposed to keep your eyes averted at all costs...
This week you'll find yourself using the phrase, "What's good for the goose is good for the gander."
However, though I'm not entirely sure what it's supposed to mean, I'm almost positive it was never meant to be applied in cases where you'd accidentally dropped a computer monitor on a plant and part of someone's foot.
However, it does get people gathered around the plant and the portion of a foot nodding their heads sagely, so it must apply in some form or another.

Libra September 23 - October 22
The policeman just came back over, asking if I'd seen any suspicious-looking French people around, when he froze, and saw that I had my feet in the pool. He remained frozen, even after my witty attempts at making fun of French people.
The reflecting pool, which I'm feeling slightly more in tune with now, tells me you'll find that sock you've been searching for for weeks this week.
It will be missing it's big toe, however. Which may mitigate your complete and utter joy at finding it.

Scorpio October 23 - November 21
The policeman, in a rather undignified manner, I might add, yanked me from the ledge of the pool, which served to remove my feet from the pool and get me out of range of the bird, who may have swooped in and grabbed the bits of chili and flown off, as I don't see either any longer. Once I'd gotten up off the grass, that is. And the policeman had gone, as I didn't want him to see me near the pool again.
Since you don't have a horoscope, I told the policeman that you were running drugs for a rather large Chilean cartel. So at least you have something to do this week, yes?

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Something seems to be slightly amiss with my arm, after the incident of getting pulled out of the reflecting pool, which I am now to understand is clearly "not a wading pool." Which I knew, and I said as much, though it wasn't appreciate nearly enough, I don't think. The reflecting pool is largely untroubled by the events happening around it, and I say so because it's relatively flat and peaceful, and I can see my reflection quite clearly in it.
This does not mean I'll be in your week this week, it just means it's a week for you to be reflective. Like a reflecting pool.
And my advice to you is that if someone spills chili in you or attempts to dip their feet in you to cool off or because it seems like a good idea at the time don't begrudge them that.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Okay, looking at it more closely, there's definitely something wrong with my arm.
Oh, or those might be ripples. In the water, not my arm. Either way, it looks freaky, though if my arm really does look like that I won't be quite as happy to describe it as freaky, which I used in the spirit of curiousity and relative lack of pain, not in the spirit of "Oh my God! What the hell is wrong with his arm!" type.
This week holds much joy and adventure and joy and adventure with a sexy supermodel for you, if you happen to be an international spy! If not, you're probably going to want to stick hot needles in your arm (or in someone else's arm, if you don't like pain all that much) out of sheer boredom by the end of it.
A package will arrive for you from Chile addressed to a Scorpio.

[Horoscopes. Perfect for Valentine's Day! Erm... damn, I've missed it again, haven't I?]