Taurus April 20 - May 20
If you had cleaned your dishes like you kept saying you were going to, none of this would have ever happened, and that poor kid wouldn't be disabled for life, unable to eat another burrito ever again.

Leo July 23 - August 22
Darning your socks, while many consider it a lost art, can be a tremendous amount of fun, especially if you only vaguely follow the rules.
And don't mind not having any socks left at the end of all of it.

Virgo August 23 - September 22
The Electric Bandit Wizard says a wool sweater is not something to take lightly.
A great silence shall descend over the land, then another great silence, until you realise you've your audio turned down very low.

Gemini May 21 - June 20
A brick of gold in the hand is worth the same as a brick of gold in the bush.
Unless you try cashing one in when the price of gold is slightly higher or lower than when you cashed in the other one.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Waltzing Coconut predicts a rabid monkey making a great big impact on your week at the grocers.
This is what happens when customs don't properly inspect the pistachios coming in from monkey-bearing places...

Cancer June 21 - July 22
Eggplant parmesan goes very well with red wine.
Venus rising means you're in for a windfall of opportunity and possibly Chinese food.

Pisces February 19 - March 20
If this were a few months in the future and a few days adjusted for the wind, it would be your birthday this week.
A stranger from the East shall visit you, bearing not a whole lot that's useful, to be honest.

Aries March 21 - April 19
You always wished you were a superhero, when you were a kid.
Your toast is burning.

Libra September 23 - October 22
May the road always rise to meet you and may those nasty bruises on your shins not be due to some rampant wild maniac short person kicking you repeatedly.

Scorpio October 23 - November 21
When your dry-cleaning service (and moderately low-effort, on your part) only pulls in a few quid the first couple of weeks, you begin to curse the ungrateful wretches who chose to sully their clothes then dump them on you, as you were sitting quite peacefully on the couch.
You stage a boycott of work, in the grand French tradition.

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Since you were clubbed like a baby seal last week, this week is rather dark for you, with the standard detective story convention of hearing fragments of people whispering all around you, occasionally hearing the words "get rid of the bugger."
Past that it's quite nice and dark for you this week.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18
A fortuitous meeting will save you months and months of trying to find that elusive Osmonds compact disc you'd been looking for.
Or if you hadn't been looking for it you won't quite appreciate the meeting as fortuitous as you would have otherwise.

[Horoscopes. Better than eBay.]