Taurus April 20 - May 20
Swiftly losing patience with your cushion-skewering, Enrico-Fermi-name-dropping, failed matador guest, you mention that, as far as you knew Enrico Fermi didn't do a tremendous lot of bullfighting. You say this, perhaps unwisely, before attempting to get Enrique to give you his sword.
Upon saying as much ("Enrique, please give me your sword"), then changing tack slightly ("Oh hey, that's a really cool sword, could I hold it for just one second?"), Enrique starts, and apologises, and attributes his own name as being a memento of the time his mother met Enrico Fermi.
His mentor was, he says, hissing, and still, regrettably, holding the sword, "Jon Bon Jovi!" And another cushion suffers for this.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Plate tectonics have little to no discernable effect on your Life for the sixth week in a row.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
A wise old chap once said to you, "A swiftly flowing river is much like the gentle fisherman that knows his own soul in the midnight of solace."
There isn't a whole lot you can do with that, even still, however.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Disinterest grips your soul with the current political situation anywhere, really.
Disinterest or abject (though distanced) horror.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
In the ancient blessing of the dear departed Phoenicians, may patio furniture not be your downfall.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
Your week leading up to Christmas is one of increasing enjoyment of the simpler things in Life. And nothing in Life is more simple than not leaving your house at all and having kozmo.com or roomservice.co.uk provide any essentials you may be missing.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Suscpicious that it may be a backhanded compliment, you turn to the internet, that great fount of information, to see if the phrase "clothes manatee" is actually a saying.
Aries March 21 - April 19
Your television will explode in a dazzling sparkle and crunch of broken glass and light Thursday evening.
While entertaining, it is a decidedly short-lived entertainment.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Hopefully the area of your screen covering your horoscope has been either scratched or scarred so as to make you completely unaware that your horoscope this week is largely just a short ramble about you hopefully being unable to read it.
This is a technique, known in the astrological circles, as 'not particularly creative evasive action.' Or, acronomically incorrect, PCGCMSE.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
There is a certain star in Scorpio that makes it very difficult to tell if Scorpio is going to have a bad week or if Scorpio's just a little drunk.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
A glass of water serves many purposes.
For instance, on Tuesday, a half full one (at the outset) will serve as a custom carpet-wetter when you forget you'd left it sitting in the middle of the floor and trip over it on the way to the kitchen for sprouts.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Get that smug look off your face and take that kitten from out of the fireplace.
The great turtle of ancient lore will appear to you in a dream, asking you to please be more considerate with the volume of your music.
[Horoscopes. This week's link from Muse. Honk if you like boybands!]
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