It's a dirty word, that 'free' is.
And for years, in various forms, we've apparently been mis-using it. And so have a good deal of other people.
So now it's time to collect.
So if you will all form two lines, we'd appreciate your cooperation.
Those of you whom have been using the so called "free" email accounts based off the web, please collect yourselves in the queue on the left.
Those of you whom had been using those public toilets, please begin forming a queue on the left as well. If you've paid less than a collective 150p for use of public toilets over the course of your life, please join this line, as we're afraid that counts as free if you round down.
Those of you whom have ever been smacked most unceremoniously with the door while attempting to pick out one of those free flyers from by the exit of your local book shoppe, grocer's, massage parlour, or record shoppe, please join the queue on the right.
Those of you whom are getting your cable for free, you can mill about idly in the middle somewhere, and someone will be by momentarily to have your kneecaps broken.
Now, the lot of you using these so-called "free" web-based email accounts, we regret to inform you, but we had some sort of deal with all of those providers wherein you would get to sign up and all that, but, when we felt like it, we would get to charge you the going rate for an email account at the time of our decision.
Yeah, yeah, we were sort of bothered, too, that they neglected to mention that on their web pages offering these services.
But anyway, you now have to perform a few rather simple tasks:
1) Make sure you have a fair-sized bank account, and, preferably, a credit card.
2) Have an internet-ready browser and/or computer. Failing this, sneak into your local library, internet café, university, and steal the use of their computers for an hour or so. Be prepared to pay an extra fee for yet another instance of yourself thinking you can get away with something for free. It will help your karmic balance and that lot if you can download lots of images of teens having sex with farm animals. Bonus points for getting someone fired because it appears they've downloaded pictures of teens having sex with farm animals, or major political figures.
3) Be wearing chiffon.
4) Be viewing this very page.
5) You must, at the appropriate time, transfer the fee of 10,000 guilders, 1 billion lira, £90.35, IR£89.75, $190.21, or suitable equivalent in your favoured local currency to sanemag@sanemagazine.com through our special Completely Unsecure Transaction Method(tm). [canadians and people from Tandragee, Co. Armagh, are requested to pay in currencies other than their local preferred currency.]
6) If you and at least four of your friends and the vast majority of complete strangers find you attractive, you should leave your phone number and a brief description of your likes and dislikes.
Thank you for your cooperation in this matter.
disclaimer:
Upon receipt of payment, the large men in black suits that have been following you for three weeks will stop following your every move, and instead focus on every third or fourth move you make.
We are not responsible for the tall one with the dark hair and double breasted suit's taste in ties.
Yer Weekly Horoscopes. rsvp.