Taurus April 20 - May 20
What's the story, morning glory? Well, I'll tell you:
This week you're going to experience lots of technical difficulties. However, this will all be all right, as you were never one to get caught up on technicalities (you once called a gorilla a monkey, sakes alive!), but subsist more on generalities. Wide, rampant generalities.
Wide, rampant, and reckless generalities.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Not to spoil the surprise, but it's really close to your birthday. Really close.
Feel free running about and screaming in the rain or some such other suitable outlet.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Allez-y! On ne peut pas tout on ne peut pas tout avoir. Err...
Cela me donne à réfléchir.
Imigh leat! Ni feidir leat caic agat agus é a ith, freisin! Err...
Nó rúd eile, silim.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Your life resembles a lump of molten plastic this week!
What that means we're not really sure, but there has to be a reason for the saying existing in the English language, at any rate. Hopefully it's a good one.
If you are a celebrity, you will face hordes and hordes of apathetic people when you appear on a game show. Of course, the fact that the game show is entitled "Remember These Old Geezers!?" would probably explain the apathy.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
A beer vat from the brewery that opened up downstairs burst, forever ruining the pleasant haze that had settled over yourself last week, as the beer, opposed to it's agreeable odour, tastes absolutely horrible, and you have to fight nausea the entire week from the formerly pleasing smell.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
We here at sanemagazine are going to apologise for last week's cheeky poke at Barltett's Thing of Really Pretty Darn Famous Sayings. We're going to apologise right now. We are apologising right now.
Sorry. We realise what a valuable source of second-hand information it can be. And not just like a literary name-dropper.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
You remember that time that one week with the thing on the floor and it was a Friday and that wacky thing went off again and everybody got a bit crazy and then it finally settled down a couple of hours later?
That will happen again this week.
Aries March 21 - April 19
Do you realise it's been 46 weeks now I've been doing this sh*te?
That's a long time to go without really saying anything at all about a particular person's week's horoscope. And, as a matter of fact, I did say something substantial back in November. So there. Too bad our old archive server weren't lost, or you could go look it up.
Libra September 23 - October 22
You have a long discussion this week with the coackroach that knew Keith Richards before he got famous.
It turns out he was orginally thinking of calling himself "Boogy-Shoes Herbert Johnson."
Sometimes the truth is more odd than lying through your teeth.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Last week you learned all about the vicious gap between comics and comic books. You also learned that comics aren't funny all of the time, nor even all that often, if you hang about them for any length of time longer than ten, fifteen minutes.
We suggest you ruminate on these things this week, and sort of sit back and take stock in the kind of world, dastardly, dastardly world, we live in.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Saying #2 regarding a sow's ear that I'll never get a chance to use because of the infrequent usage of references to sow's ears: "Once a fortnight you've got to change the baby's bathwater, no matter if you throw the little thing out or not, because it'll begin to stink up the house if you don't!"
All right, so maybe it doesn't explicitly mention sow's ears, but I haven't been able to use that saying for years now.
Your week will see the advent of the first Sagitarrius-only car wash.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
We would really like to apologise for any offense and/or trauma caused by last week's cheeky invite to drinks on Thursday last. As it is, we wound up paying for it, as seven hundred and fifty three thousand Aquarii showed up at Davy Byrne's off Grafton Street, and we're a bit strapped for cash at the moment.
Your week will be filled with thse styrofoam peanuts, which we recommend keeping around the house, because, for lasting wall-decorations, nothing beats 'em!
[Horoscopes have been touted as "digestable snippets of humour!"]
