There have been a recent lot of films released based on some premise or another of the Earth being smashed by a comet or meteor or the like.
But now, the real blockbuster film is about to be released.
Ah! Look Out, Here Comes the Moon! is a film about heartache, danger, physics, a beautiful woman astronaut, a rugged-looking male astronaut about the beautiful woman's age, an older man who really shouldn't be bopping around outer space, but finds himself out there because of his wily experience and the fact that his son is a Senator, a token Scottish spaceman, one of the original monkeys that had gone into orbit around the Earth, and laughter. It's a film about people pulling together when it looks like the moon is about to smash right into the planet and end it all for the whole lot of us.
It begins in a sleepy village out somewhere in the wilds of Arizona that just so happens to have a gigantic telescope and a handful of wacky scientist/astronomers looking out nightly for comets that may or may not impact the Earth, causing all the dinosaurs in the lovely theme park to the south of them to die horrible deaths once again.
However, one night, the thirteen year old prodigy of the group notices that, while their search for comets has been disappointingly fruitless and the dinosaurs to the south remain generally unfrightened of extinction anytime in the near future, the moon appears to be slightly closer this evening. After a frantic yet humourous scramble for a spot at the eyeglass, the scientists agree that, yes, the moon does appear to be getting closer!
Following this revelation that the Earth could potentially be run into by the Moon, the group calls Washington, and spends fifteen minutes on hold, then another fifteen to twenty minutes trying to convince the President that they really do work for the government, and only one of them had ever done hard drugs, and that because he had been pressured into it by friends. After the President hangs up on them, dismissing the theory as "rubbish," a spunky intern at the White House coincidentally named Tony Blair picks up and hears the crazy astronomers from Arizona out. And it is he that organises the team to go into space to check out the whole mess.
The astronomers, having done their duty, go back to checking for comets and ordering pizza at all hours, which is picked up by a different astronomer every time, except for the prodigy, because he's only thirteen, and can't drive the dusty Jeep parked outside the observatory.
As word of the impending doom spreads, the people of select locations around the globe begin to panic, and we see the estranged couple regain their love for one another and toss off the people they'd been having affairs with to fend for themselves, we see an old man get a phone call from his estranged son, from whom he hadn't heard word in forty years, we see a child's cat get stuck up in a tree, and we see, in a particularly compelling scene, a different child lie down with a lion, albeit a stuffed toy one.
A group of poets in upstate New York begin changing all their poems to mention hating the fact that the Moon is going to crash into them and destroy all the flowers they'd been writing about for years and years, and they regret ever having written a poem about how nicely the moon shone off a woman's body or how a woman was a beautiful as the Moon, as now they are more than likely to get a lot of grief for that comparison.
There is also a rather touching scene at the Temple of Diana in Greece, where a whole lot of old Greek people are bringing final offerings to the altar, denouncing their faith in Diana, goddess of the harvest. And the pacing is marvelous, as soon after the heartache sets in, there is a scene of a mime getting beaten up by a bunch of youth outside.
Throughout, we learn the lessons that astronauts in outer space, attempting to figure out how they're supposed to stop the Moon from crashing into the Earth while dealing with their own growing love for one another and the fact that their trysts in the forward cabin just may endanger the mission, their incontinence, yelling about dying in an absolutely hilarious accent, and the fact that the monkey's mastery of sign language is not standardised American sign language, and the mix-ups that causes, learn. Granted, it takes a sharp mind to apply them to real life, but it can be done.
Especially because the soundtrack features the hottest artists and lots of techno-buzz music, which a lot of people relate to these days.
With a seven hundred fifty billion dollar budget (including outtakes at the end of the botched first destruction of the Earth and the Empire State building actually puncturing the Moon as it bumps down on New York City), brilliant costuming for the various cities around the world (including the horrible shirts the men were wearing in the French scenes), and a cast of very attractive people (some of whom we actaully had to make out of clay, because we just didn't have enough beautiful people), this movie is bound to be the next big blockbuster.
And, while we won't give away the ending, we'll just say that you'll more than likely experience the whole spectrum of emotions when you see the looks on the astronauts faces as the moon gets closer and closer to the Earth, the people huddling below the now monstrous Moon, the traffic on all the parkways, and the one mad scientist in Germany who insists throughout the film that she knew this was going to happen.
It is not to be missed.
It is the movie that the director was scared to make, yet felt the story must be told.
disclaimer:
Ah! Look Out, Here Comes the Moon! is a tentative supertart release, pending production. It also has to be brought to the attention of supertart's head filmmaker that certain other employees would like to see this movie in existence at some point soon.
The dinosaurs and space monkey were provided by General Mills Pet Emporium, and only one of them was shot, but that's because it was a right bastard, and deserved it.
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