Taurus April 20 - May 20
The joys of interstellar travel will no doubt prove, to you Tauri, that life is well worth living when you're cruising along at twice the speed of light.
And you have the only slightly beer-soaked t-shirt to prove it. It says so right there, above the nondescript brownish kind of stain.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Pick a song you'd really really like to hear to bring you back to the good old days this week, submit the request to the quiet insanity/sanemagazine office nearest you, and sit back and wait.
Within fifteen, twenty minutes, we'll send someone 'round to make you forget all about those good old days. Oh yes we will.
And if you don't, we'll give you free passes to the second Sex Pistols go-around, apparently titled We're Back for Your Money and Sentiment Again, This Time Singing the Best of Wayne Newton.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Saturn moves out of your first house this week, clearing up all those financical ties you felt bound by. So go tell your boss to bugger off, drop the lad behind the counter at the McDonald's a thirty dollar/pound tip, and spend the week living large.
Just know that next week Jupiter passes by your first house, which means you're a bit strapped for cash. Fair warning.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
A job offer from Ecuador creates a big stir in your life.
Granted, you weren't really looking for a job, nor do you know anyone in Ecuador (unless you're a Geminian living in Ecuador, of course), but hey, a job's a job. Especially after you get a map out and find out exactly where Ecuador is.
If you are a celebrity, you, too.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
You will spend the week in a pleasant haze. This will have not all that much, you believe, to do with the brewery opening up underneath your flat, even when the health inspectors come by with pieces of paper saying something about deadly second-hand fumes and that lot.
You take it all in stride and nod and gurgle, which, as it is, is all you'd been able to do since Tuesday afternoon or so.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
Conversations kill? Who ever said that?
Well, if you look through Bartlett's list of really pointlessly famous sayings, that's not in there, so you have to look elsewhere.
Try to think back to that time when someone was trying to prove to you that, while the pen was mightier than the sword, the spoken word was even mightier than the pen, and proceeded to stab you with a pronoun.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Relax this week, take it easy, kick back, and play a nice game of softball in the park this week. That way, you can let that big beer gut you've been hiding hang out and no one will think anything amiss.
Oh sure, they might laugh when you burp and pretend to set a coaster on your stomach underneath your beverage, but they'll be laughing with you.
Aries March 21 - April 19
This week, though you've managed to dodge most major character attacks in these horoscopes... or, all right, since you're usually the person we attack, I've completely forgotten how I was going to attack your character. I mean, I had it right there, but it just slipped away, gone. Damn.
Isn't that always the way? Ah well, it would have been scathing, yet unbelievably accurate, let me tell you.
Libra September 23 - October 22
The house seems empty without that formerly charming pantheist hanging about, but the cockroaches he apparently invited over with the ice cream gallons in the tub experiment help to fill the void.
One of them, it turns out, knew Keith Richards before he was famous.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
This week you just so happen to run into a real live comic.
It just so happens because you were reading a comic book for hours and hours on end a few weeks ago on that desert island with the McDonald's and the Korean deli.
You begin to think less of the coincidence when the comic has never apparently heard of Beefy The Wonderteen, nor does he seem to care very much. Alas, such is the vicious gap between comics and comic books.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Saying #1 regarding a sow's ear that I'll never get a chance to use because of the infrequent usage of references to sow's ears: "Junior, now you just thank your lucky stars you've got food on the table, there are sow's ears out there in the world that would be happy to have my special mashed canned peas."
Of course, the peas are mashed outside of the can, I couldn't see any sort of sow's ear wanting peas still in the can, mashed or not.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Hey sexy, how about a drink on Thursday?
Your Thursday will be pretty darn wonderful.
[Horoscopes. this week is dedicated to funes the memorious.]
