Elaborate Rookie Hazing of Matsuzaka Getting Out of Hand
Putting aside questions of whether or not players who have played in the Japanese professional leagues for years before coming Stateside to ply their trade for Major League Baseball, Daisuke Matsuzaka is a rookie in the major leagues of baseball in the United States.
And in the great tradition of sports teams, rookies get hazed.
What was cracked as a scheme to haze this particular high profile rookie import, Jason Varitek, the most unlikely of sources, passed notice around the clubhouse that they wouldn't be scoring their customary number of runs when Daisuke took the mound for his inaugural season in the big leagues.
"To be honest, I never thought we could pull it off. I mean, it's scripted that we're going to get between 5 and 12 runs every two games. Theo and John Henry and Co. paid the money, it's what's on the menu," said the Captain, alluding to the rumored deal in which the baseball season's outcome is predetermined down to the game-by-game level at the outset of the season based on salaries paid to players, offseason movement, press clippings the GM's send to the commissioner's office, and a complicated sabermertric statistic involving direct payouts to the commish in unmarked, non-sequential bills. "But we did it. For crying out loud, we lost to the Devil Rays. They're not even a real team, they were just invented by MLB for television purposes and after a generous donation from the Sox ownership to the commissioner's office to give Sox fans a more affordable option to see the team than hitting Fenway. Hell, my own family can't afford to get in there, any more.
"But the work we've done over the last couple years, leaving six, eight, nine men on base in a given evening, failing to score men on second and third with none out, well, I'm happy to say it's all paid off."
Daisuke has generally been a good sport about things.
"To be honest, I was wondering what all the laughing was about, with Lugo kicking that ball clear to the Red Sox dugout in the fourth with a man on first, then standing there over the ball, just looking at it, occasionally stealing a glance at second to see if Jonny Gomes was going to move up to third, possibly try and take home. And when he took a swing and tried kicking me when I jovially when over and tried to pick it up myself, you know, to help out, well, I figured it was just a cultural difference. Like when those fans met me outside the gate at Fenway, followed me home, camped out outside my doorstep all night, and then walked me back to the park the next morning. One them brought me coffee and a donut. All part of the American experience, right?" said Daisuke, through his interpreter. "But the hazing thing sort of makes sense, I suppose. I can't wait to do it to the rookies next year! Only, you know, I'll have to do something other than not score runs. Since I'm a pitcher, you know? Maybe we'll make 'em wear a pink backpack like they made Papelbon wear!"
Varitek wouldn't comment, but Big Papi, the jovial clubhouse prankster who's sorry he didn't think of the hazing ritual first, said there are big things in store for Daisuke's upcoming start in New York. "Oh, I can't say, man, but it's gonna be good. Let's just say Dice'd better stay in the clubhouse between innings, because when you shave your bat handles down as much as we've been doing all week those things are gonna break like twigs and splinters! Umm. That's not a euphemism, by the way."
Daisuke is scheduled to pitch Tuesday, August 28th, in Yankee Stadium. On Bud Selig's chart, he is scheduled to throw a complete game shutout.
"We'll figure something out. Don't worry about it," said Jason Varitek.
disclaimer:
Wow. Do we have a lot for you this week. No, no, it's not the special thing to do with Further Fenway Fiction. We're still getting to that. But, while we're talking about that, do you have your copy yet? The special thing involves getting you a signed copy of it, if you have one, so there's no need to wait for us to announce anything with regards to the book. It's out there! We've announced it. We'll do a signed bookplate, blatantly copying Seth Mnookin who, himself, copied someone else. So go get your copy, or you're going to feel mighty silly and flustered when we have things set up to let you order your free signed bookplate to slap on your own copy of Further Fenway Fiction (or dog, loved one, toaster, toast, car, wherever you want to stick it, really).
No, we have some special things for you this week.
First: For those of you lucky enough to have an iPhone or two, we've been broadcasting the main issue in iPhone-eze for months now, and now, at long last, we provide possibly the best horoscope experience EVER on your phone. With the Sane Magazine iHoroscopes! WOW! It's nice and short (http://sanemagazine.com/horos) so your fingers don't bleed, typing it out on the phone. And it's 100% beautiful on the phone (or even your web browser on your computer), thanks to the guys working on iUI. So thanks, as we said. And go check out your horoscopes on the bus, the train, the airport, getting a coffee, picking up your kids. Show off you iPhone to all those jealous folks around you... and the Sane Magazine iHoroscopes.
Okay, so you're now thinking to yourself, how the heck can they top that? That's pretty special. I can always, wherever I am, go and look up what's supposed to happen with my horoscope. Anywhere, anytime. What more could I want, eh?
Well, how about a brand spanking new tshirt design? Well, we have just that. Oh man do we ever have that. We've shifted some of the designs around in the shop, retired (for now) a few old designs, and featured our brand new specially commissioned design from our very own design department. Go on, check out the new designs, let us know what you think, buy a couple or so, so we can feed our families, who are sick of us sitting around, pretending to make money from this fourteen year long thing where we put in minimal effort each week and predict the future for you.
I can offer a personal guarantee that you, standing in line at the coffee shop, surfing your Sane Magazine iHoroscopes on your iPhone in your Sane Magazine tshirt, will be the talk of Winchester, Massachusetts for at least five minutes during the course of the week*.
So get out there! Check out the new horoscopes format (which will coexist alongside the old horoscope look and feel, don't worry... it's okay, put the brown paper bag down...), shop for tshirts, and enjoy the stuff we're giving you this week.
* Warning, actual talk of town may vary.
SPONSOR MESSAGES:
Support Sane:
Tshirts & clothing: The Sane Magazine Shop at Cafe Press
A Book: Fenway Fiction
A Second Book: Further Fenway Fiction
For you writerly types: Download Writer.app (which is free, so it's not really supporting us in a monetary, sugar daddy or mommy sort of way, but more in a "hey you guys go!" sort of way)
Or, visit our store at Amazon... check out some of the books that inspire or otherwise provoke the Sane Magazine writers. This week we've added a select few Colin Bateman titles to the mix.
Discuss this in the forums
Discuss the horoscopes in the forums
Forum hosting provided by forumthing.