Taurus
Taurus April 20 - May 20
You will find a gun in your left coat pocket this week.
It is not loaded.
It may come in handy in a situation you find yourself in on Friday.
Leo
Leo July 23 - August 22
The price of tea in China is particularly relevant to you this week as you, for some reason, will drink your weight in tea this week.
I don't care how much you weigh, and you haven't lost nearly as much as you think you have, that's a lot of tea.
Virgo
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Bet it all on 137 Black.
If they don't have that number, insist they put it on the imaginary number, then, and watch the money roll in.
Gemini
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Someone is trying to mess with your head. Mostly just trying to tousle your hair.
And, as a Gemini, You hate it when people do that.
If you carry a machete people will be less likely to mess with your hair.
Capricorn
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Don't worry, baby, this is your week to seize the day.
By many state laws, I cannot divulge which day, exactly, is yours to seize. I suggest you try on each day of the week, and if you fail to seize it, well, it mustn't be that day.
Cancer
Cancer June 21 - July 22
Your Bavarian adventure starts.... NOW.
By now I mean yesterday. Sunday evening, for those of you not reading this on a Monday.
Your yodeling skills will be vastly improved by this week, I can tell you that much.
Pisces
Pisces February 19 - March 20
"Sleep is for the dumb," someone once said. Assuming they weren't talking about people who can't speak but meant 'dumb' to mean 'stupid,' well, you aren't very dumb, are you?
Aries
Aries March 21 - April 19
Don't, whatever you do, please DON'T go out the front door this week.
If you only have one door, and it happens to face out to the front of the house, why don't you try using the window?
Libra
Libra September 23 - October 22
You will fail at something this week. As you have no horoscope, perhaps it is in the having of a horoscope that you fail... n'est pas?
Scorpio
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
You will not wake up at 4am again. Not only is that inconsiderate, it is not actually a valid, NATO-recognised time. So please don't do that again. Thank you.
Sagittarius
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
I have your future husband's coffee travel mug.
It is being held ransom for one million pounds. Or a box of white tea.
Aquarius
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You may need to start paying bills in crudely drawn spiders. That's just the way it goes.