Secure Water
I am very pleased to report that we have finally, along with the help of a few determined young (mostly) men (also mostly, probably) from the Middle East (amongst other regions, also probably, also mostly, maybe), made the process of transporting water from point A to point B the most secure operation one could undertake.
First off, the water shall be packaged in ultra secure containers in a bottle-like shape, made entirely of plastic, clear plastic, so one and all can see through the container to the water inside. There will probably be a label, behind which all manner of things could be hidden, so the label should, ideally, be made as narrow as possible. Failing sufficient narrowness, the label should not quite surround the container, so that, if one felt the need, they could examine the contents behind the label by simply peering through the container on the opposite side. There is a small margin for risk, should the label wrap around the bottle-like container so much so that the observer is left in doubt to whether or not all the contents of the container were examined fully. In this case you have a few options:
¥ You can shake the bottle vigorously, hoping to dislodge any things that may threaten the security of your water from behind the label.
¥ If you are concerned that the threatening object in question in your water would react badly to vigorous shaking, we don't recommend this method.
¥ Place the container on a flat surface. Hopefully your container has a flat bottom. Maneuver yourself around the top of the container and peer through the (if you took our advice and enclosed the water in a bottle-like container with a tapering top, suitable for, say, taking a drink from, this should be possible) top of the bottle to the spaces behind the label with which you are most concerned.
¥ÊIf you are concerned that the distortion of the tapering glass or plastic doesn't provide you with an accurate enough view, this is not the option for you.
¥ If your container doesn't have a flat bottom, or, for whatever reason, the top is too opaque to view behind the label, this option is probably not a good idea.
¥ Place the container in a vice, or have a friend hold the bottle firmly in two hands. Acquire a circular saw or other cutting implement from laser to Swiss Army Knife. With the cutting implement, cut open the container, being careful to not cut your friend, if you have enlisted a friend to help in this exercise. Once you have cut open the bottle, spread the two pieces and examine the portion behind the label.
¥ If your friends are squeamish and there are no vices around, this option is not for you.
¥ If keeping your water inside the bottle and transporting as much as possible without getting it on your bleeding friend is important to you, do not attempt this option.
Once you're sure your water is secure place the container of water in a see-through plastic bag, and hand it over to the duty free person at the nearest pay point.
Make sure they seal the plastic bag tightly. "Securely," one might say.
This is to ensure that the water is now encased in two virtually impenetrable, yet transparent cocoons. Impenetrable unless someone has a knife, sharp fingernails, or circular saw.
The duty free checkout person will give you a ticket with some writing on it, which presumably will identify you in an uncrackable way, as the owner and secure transporter of this bottle of water, which you are to receive at some point in the near future.
Next, have the duty free person place the water in its double container onto a cart, for delivery at the gate, at which point you will be boarding the plane. It is a little known fact that the queue for customs clearance at Shannon airport is one of the most dangerous and explosive situations for a casually accompanied bottle of water to be. There are pens, usually borrowed from near complete strangers, which are hastily used to scribble on declarations forms a vague-ish description, in monetary terms, of your luggage. These could potentially contain nitro-glycerine, which could slip, unnoticed, into a bottle of water. There are also security dogs, which could infect the water with a dormant form of explosive mad cow disease, a strain which lies dormant in non-cows, excepting water. In cows or water it becomes one of the most treacherous and unstable substances on the planet.
Once through customs, you have the vending machines, which are serviced by people who could have either a) put the wrong drink in the wrong row, or b) planted a nuclear BOMB in the vending machine, for which you just paid 1 euro 90 cents, and is disguised innocently as a bottle of water, which you may accidentally get mixed up with your perfectly safe and secure bottle of water, were you carrying it with you.
Finally, at the gate, you will redeem your ticket, receive your bottle of water, which has been carted through secret tunnels and crypts deep underneath Shannon airport by men and women in hoods and cloaks, each of whom know a slightly different handshake, the slightest misstep in which is enough to condemn your water to the purgatory of a security table alongside a bottle of 7-UP(tm) or Fanta(tm). You will have to answer a series of twelve questions, none of which should be answered in the manner in which you'd expect, because if they were answered in a manner in which you'd expect them to be any old person could claim your water, thus defeating the entire system, and making your water an open target for any terrorist, thirsty or not. For example: the question "When did you purchase this water?" should be answered along the lines of (not an actual answer, for security reasons, but very close...) "Oats and soggy cheese."
It is only at this point that you may board the plane with your bottle of water. Tucking the bottle in the seat pocket in front of you is an acceptable mode of travel for the bottle of water, at which point it will arrive safely in America. At this stage, you should drink the water as quickly as possible before you get within sight of the customs inspectors, because they will force you to spill it out into a gigantic kiddie pool newly installed in Logan's Terminal E for the express purpose of keeping Irish water out of the country, lest it contaminate water in this country, from which I'm writing this report, supping my domestic water without the slightest tinge of fear.
disclaimer:
We're back from Ireland, and a complete failure to swim in phosphorescence, which we'll be making into an issue at some point in the near future.
Until that day, you're left with what's above, a, dare I say it, "thoughts-style column". God help me, next thing you know I'll be growing bitter and writing about my own influence as a sports reporter for the Boston Globe. I suspect I'll have to cut back on the amount of research I do on issues/columns, should I get to that stage. That is, of course, assuming friends and family don't stage an intervention and attempt to cut off any malingering down that particular path.
Good to be back, folks.
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