The Horoscopes
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Don't trust Germans.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Don't trust Tauri.
Especially if you're German.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Churning waters underly some of the most tranquil-looking lakes.
Make a belly flop into the pool of life this week.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
You survived!
A small person will keep asking for you this week, though.
You may need to take a long journey for cake and ice cream.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Be wary of Germans. It's just not a good week for Germans, all right?
Cancer June 21 - July 22
You will get a modeling contract this week.
And a famous sibling will offer to go on tour with you to Milan and Hollywood.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Something good will come of cat litter this week.
At first, that read, in the stars: "cat littler," which would presumably be some machine for making cats smaller. Perhaps to fit in a pocket or something, for easy transport. Who knows?
Just don't be surprised if you find some machine which you'd otherwise have no idea what it was for.
Aries March 21 - April 19
A ham and cheese sandwich is your best bet this week.
Also, use a clean towel on Wednesday.
Libra September 23 - October 22
You can make friends with Germans this week, just don't get upset if they don't save you a space on the tanning beds.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
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Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Take time to appreciate how lucky you are that you weren't born as with the head of a chicken suit where your head should be. It would make buying hats very difficult.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Some people make mistakes. You should make baked cod with some tomato sauce and a bit of veggies thrown in.
[Horoscopes. This is handy, for US visitors... with an iPhone. And a car. Or even not, I suppose. Who knows what you guys get up to?]