An Imagined Board Meeting Conversation in Which the Board President is a Toddler
[Open in an office board room, eleven nattily attired business people sit about the table in which it looks like twenty two nattily attired business people sit around, thanks to the highly polished surface. The chair at the head of the table is empty, and behind it you have a beautiful view of the city, all the way to the harbor.]
[The doors at the opposite end open, and a tall, striking woman in a business suit strides, slowly, to the head of the table. Her footsteps are accompanied by a thud-thud-thud-thudding sound. She bends down, and lifts the little thud-thudder into the seat at the head of the table. She stands by, at the ready.]
Board President: Poop.
Secretary: What the President means is we should get this meeting kicked off. On his agenda notes [She consults the notebook in her hands] I have that he would like to discuss the latest slipped deadline on the new handset model we're still waitng for...
Others: Right, right. Murmur, murmur. [One of the board members ducks beneath the table, under the pretense of picking up his pen. He doesn't seem to re-appear. Nor, should anyone check, does he appear to be under the table any longer.] Listen, here's what we have: the latest comps. [The speaker in question slides her slides over to the board President's seat. As the President can't see too much over his seat, he simply flails his arms at the slides until the lot of them have fallen to the floor.]
Board President: Poop. Poop. Oooooh.
Others: [Amongst themselves] Oh no, he hates it... oh man, what are we going to do? [To the President] Umm, listen, sir? What if we moved up production schedules a week or two?
Board President: Yeah.
Others: Okay, whew, we seem safe now. [The guy who'd disappeared before reappears, but in the wrong seat, which causes a little commotion between the guy and the other guy currently occupying the seat.] The colors we thought were a good fit for our current rebranding strategy.
Board President: Poop.
Board Member #8: No, sir, that's the Zune I think you're thinking of.
Board President: Ut. Ut.
Board Member #2: What?
Board President: Ut. Ut. Ut.
Secretary: He's saying, well, he's mostly saying "Out." Which means he wants the lights turned out.
Board Member #2: What?
[Board Member #1 goes over and flicks the lights off.]
Board President: Ut. Ut.
[Board Member #1 stands awkwardly by the lights and keeps his hand on the switch, pressing it down.]
Board President: Ut. Ut. Uuuuut. [The President shoots the Secretary a look.]
Secretary: Okay, well, that one means he wants it on again.
[Board Member #1 flicks the light back on. But not before Board Member #9 is out of her seat and standing by the light switch, too, "helping" turn the lights on.]
Board President: Yeah. Down. Down. Architect. [The President shoots the Secretary another look and points at the ground. He also pats his head occasionally, while he's waiting to be put down.]
Secretary: Okay, well, it seems our board meeting is done. [She has to shrug her shoulders to get the stylish and light diaper bag back behind herself as she leans to unbuckle the safety straps on the President's booster seat and helps him down.] Go with the new colors, the new timeline sounds good. Maybe we'll be up for another chat after his nap.
disclaimer:
So the Head Editor of Sane Magazine, this here magazine, flew last weekend.
Flew. Like a bird. A bird in a small glass cage, with wind being pumped through at incredible speeds.
More to come, perhaps next week. It was that cool. However, this toddler boardroom came up first, and we just had to take care of it.
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