The Horoscopes
Taurus April 20 - May 20
A knock-kneed kid will be the bane of your existence this week.
He can be "taken care of" by someone named Jimmy the Smack, if you know anyone by that name.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Relax. Enjoy life this week.
Because next week is going to stink.
Literally. And yes, you're the cause, but it doesn't make it smell any better.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
You will come up with an interesting solution to a problem.
However, no one wants to take your budget proposal back to the U.S. government, and so you'll have to go back to waiting for spring training to start.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
A visitor in a time machine will pop into your living room this week.
It turns out your living room will be the site of a disco in the future, which puts your mind at ease as to what people in the future are wearing these (err, those) days.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Make yourself a sandwich this week.
This way, you will be able to appreciate the ancient saying about "Ye who eats a sandwich that thou madest should, err, not, be, eh, be happy. Rather, be happy.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
If you're not careful, someone you care about may sneak out, buy him or herself a Nike+ iPod thing, too, and try getting in the miles they walk to work into their online profile, blazing ahead of you.
Oh, and this week you should show someone how that little bulb thing works.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Your life will be like a scene out of "Return of the Native."
Or perhaps Animal House. Or Welcome Back, Kotter.
Anyway, it resembles some show or movie or something fictional. Or a James Frey memoir.
Aries March 21 - April 19
Try crawling on your belly the entire week, like it was one giant military exercise.
What you may find helpful is a special crawling pad that most military personnel secretly wear while doing those drills.
Or just tape a yoga mat to your midsection.
Libra September 23 - October 22
There is no 'k' at the end of nothing. Or nuffink.
This tidbit will... well, it won't help or anything. It's just the way it is.
Wear a hat this week.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Someone has stolen your watermelon this week. Not our problem, however.
You should have paid your Zodiac dues when they were due.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
DROP BEAR!
Sorry, thought that was a drop bear above you there, but you're not in Australia, are you?
It might just be a regular hanging bear. Keep a wary eye out, though.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Like the monkey will tell you on Friday, "it's not often in life you get second chances."
The monkey, however, will be talking about himself. Stupid, self-absorbed monkeys.
[Horoscopes. A happy belated one to Jamesy.]