Dear Pedro
Dear Pedro,
We hope you are enjoying your vacation in Queens.
Listen, let's cut to the chase: how do you like our negotiating tactics now? See what better run support we give you? Better bullpen support?
All right, you might argue that our bullpen has been almost as bad, if not worse, than the Mets bullpen this year. But you know why that is? We told them to take the year off. That's right. We paid them extra last year to support you. We don't do that for any one, you know. Hell, that's why Curt was so hellbent on trying to be the closer for a spell this year. He was pissed off about the lack of support. We didn't want to say too much because you know how damn annoying the Boston sports writers are. Yes, I know that we own the Globe in some fashion or another. But we're not blind, we know they're annoying. And about Curt: what happened? We though the whole point of bringing him over was to get him to learn how to be a craftier pitcher from you, in case, like, he got injured or something. And what do you know? What did you teach him? Your imitation of a drunken goat wandering on to the pitcher's mound? Don't think I forgot that story you told me... went along with that mango tree, ten cents story you recounted, didn't it? I suppose you got us... good one, old buddy.
At any rate, we hope you enjoyed your vacation out there in Queens. I know it probably wasn't as far south, not quite as warm early and later in the year as you might have liked, but it was something, anyway, wasn't it? Don't you miss the seasons by now, Petey? May I call you Petey? Just think of those leaves changing color this time of year. Maple syrup from Vermont! Riverside Park... or Six Flags, whatever it's called now.
Please come back, Pedro. Look, man, I didn't want to let the cat out of the bag, but if you come back we'll be retiring your number. Plus two numbers on either side. So 43-47 will be retired in honor of you. And every weekend day game we'll have the groundskeepers mow your face into the outfield grass.
It's just our way of saying, "We made a huge mistake." It's just we thought you were joking about the offer from Omar down in New York... I mean, come on... it's the Mets. We didn't realize they were still in the big leagues, even. And those guys we got to replace you... well, you know we were just doing that to make the Boston fans really appreciate everything you did for us... think about it... one guy probably ate Larry Lucchino and nearly punched an ump, the other guy turns into Mark Bellhorn of the mound post-July, and the other guy who co-aced (ha ha! Just kidding... we all know who our one true ace was, Pete, my bud...) with you last year, well, he's been given the year off, only still in town, not like you, off in Vacationland... we've probably bought you a free ride for a couple of weeks... enough time to get you through spring training and those first few cold months of April and May and into your bread and butter months of June through September.
Also, you'll notice, if you stop by any time soon, that we've renamed quite a few of the tunnels of the Big Dig after you... we had Theo run down and spray paint your name all over a lot of them, anyway. And he's only waiting on the other ones due to stricter labor laws regarding the amount of carbon monoxide a person can consume in the course of their job... something the lawyers have been telling us about, anyway.
So please, Pedro, give us a call sometime, we promise we'll keep Manny and David here, and buy you a couple more midgets, plus take care of all the associated shipping, labor, and environmental taxes involved with those guys. Please? Please come back to us, Pedro? Petey?
Love and Kisses,
The Red Sox Management
disclaimer:
This week, we wish you the greatest tidings of holiday joy.
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