The Vicious Beating Fields
I'm not a tough guy. Nor am I particularly into the rough and tumble.
So when I found myself standing in the ring across from 'Killer' McCabe and his midget sidekick "Billy Goat Gruff" Drawers, I will be the first to admit I didn't like my chances. After all, what did a skinny kid from the east side of New Braintree have to combat Killer's infamous slipper hold, so called for the bendy position the victim's arms were left in, post-hold-execution?
If he were a cow, now, there might be a fair fight. As a kid, I'd had many run-ins with the cows of New Braintree, a vicious breed to cow that would leave no man unharmed, if it weren't for the barbed wire fences and barns they found themselves in. You learn to fend for yourself pretty quickly when there's a good chance you're going to get bored one day in a sleepy little town, leap over the fence in an attempt to try a particular shortcut once and for all, only to be confronted by an angry and riled up cow. I know you may have heard how best to confront a wildcat of some description: Make yourself as big as possible and stand your ground. This, for your edification, is not how to confront a cow. Or behave when you're being confronted by a cow.
Me? What I like to do is this, and this, mind you, is all gained from personal experience, put into practice, and why I stood there, in a ring with the most feared Dirty Fighting Championship fighter in DFC history (and his sidekick): If you have a ninja sword handy, try and nick an ear of the cow, the cow will either freak out and run away from you, or freak out and run over you. If you survive the running over (I presume you'll survive the running away unless you've got a really weak constitution), limp immediately to the nearest fence and hop over or crawl under, just in case the cow comes back, enraged.
If, like most times, you don't have a ninja sword handy, taking a three step approach, leaping off two feet, and striking out at the side of the cow with the aforementioned two feet (now airborne). If you connect with the cow, the scenario should be strikingly similar to the first option, only with the occasional addition that the cow may do absolutely nothing. Especially if it's a really big cow. If you happen not to connect with the cow, you will probably end up in the muck of the field, in which case you should burrow as deep as possible and maybe you won't get stepped on. All in all, I believe I connected with a cow once, missed on all twenty seven meetings.
Luckily, someone had left a ninja sword leaning against one corner of the ring. It still didn't end well for me, as I'm not clear, apparently, on how to properly wield a ninja sword, never before having used one.
And that little midget guy got me in a chokehold before I could get to it, anyway.
disclaimer:
We manage to squeak out an issue this week in the midst of a whole lot of stuff, and a lot of trash, thanks to the continued absence of the janitor, due to the new addition to his family last week.
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