The Horoscopes
Calloo Callay!
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Stick to your guns this week.
This may mean an embrassing confrontation with your longtime archnemesis, Phillipo, prince of Finland.
You'll just have to suck it up, though, and hope his threats of thousands of soldiers of his marching on your hometown are empty.
Leo July 23 - August 22
You are driven by a hunger deep inside this week, driving you (as it were) to seek out what might feed you at all costs.
Remember to bring a wallet and bib, otherwise you're gonna starve.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Life is not a picnic, but you will be going on one this week.
Look out for ants. Both metaphorically and literally.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
You should fly out, as soon as possible, to California.
"Why?" you may ask.
Because the whole thing is going to sink into the ocean someday soonish and you should really see it before it's gone.
When driving, remember that none of the written rules actually apply once you're behind the wheel of a car.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Been to New Mexico lately?
The FBI will be at your door asking that very question this week.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
Little circles that can be frozen or heated will be your best friend this week.
Not in a "I'm going to confide in these things" way, but in a different kind of way.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
You are very generous.
Generous almost to a fault. That said, the one fault would be cleared up if only you included Munchkins from Dunkin Donuts in your generousity.
Aries March 21 - April 19
Don't start anything new this week.
So if you have any cakes lying around, send 'em on over.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Try and put a cheery face on the events of this week, it will make them much more palatable.
The other option would be to put salt on them, but your parents-in-law won't like that at all.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Sorry, nothing doing, still.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
I need a pizza. And wings.
Find out what you really need in life. It may be the same. Not exactly the same, because I will defend my pizza to the death.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Go get some pizza!
By the way, last week was your favourite week... this week is equally your favourite.
[Horoscopes. There they go again... World Series bound!]