Tips for Time Travelers
Excerpts from a found document titled Tips for Time Travelers, 4th Edition, by a bougainvillea... growth, I don't think you call those sorts of things bushes, as they're sort of vine-y.
First off, welcome. Whether this is your first time paging through the manual or it's your hundredth, welcome. As you probably are aware, time travel is not without its inconveniences, its trials, tribulations, and, ultimately, rewards. Or paradoxes. "Rewards or paradoxes," as my old mentor used to say, "it's always one or the other with time travel." These are a few helpful tips to get you situated as fast as possible for the most comfortable time traveling experience possible.
i. Never, ever be caught without your red suspenders. It may not seem it, but they have a good deal more to do with time travel than it appears.
ii. Keep your arms and legs inside the vehicle while time traveling. This has been stated before, and seems somewhat trite to mention again and again -- I'm going for the cheap laugh, many say, but this is deadly serious business. Someone always tries it, and everyone is tempted by it, but you just shouldn't do it.
iii. I meant point ii.
iv. There is a moratorium on traveling back in time to 1797 near Exmoor for a reason. If you are observed sneaking away from the farm, you will be prosecuted.
v. You are not explicitly discouraged from interacting with inhabitants of a certain time period. In fact, in most cases, it is encouraged to get the most out of your time travel experience. However, you may wish not to interact with certain members of many of the countries in Europe especially during the time periods surrounding, but not limited to: the period of the First and Third Crusades, the solidification of the Holy Roman Empire, the dissolution of the Holy Roman Empire, the formation of the European Union, the 2006 World Cup, and the subsequent the dissolution of the European Union.
vi. Please wash your hands if you use the restroom. This advice will also serve you well in the present tense, unless you are reading this in a present tense in which germs from restrooms provide some sort of nutritive/healing powers. I'm guessing not.
vii. You may not take items from the past, only from the future. Taking driftwood or stones from the beaches, whether they be from the future or the past, is strictly forbidden. Unless you are an artist and can supply your artistic papers which grant you license to bring back driftwood and stones from beaches.
viii. Please refrain from mentioning that any of the Bushes were ever President of the United States of America, as if you don't mention it no one may ever get it in their head that it would be a good idea to have one of them run for office. This is part of a concerted effort by the Concerned Citizens for Proactive Time Travel and is successful. However, it takes all of us to keep this reality a, ehm, reality.
ix. See previous point and apply to Arnold Schwarzenegger.
x. If you should forget or somehow lose your red suspenders, yellow will do in a pinch. See your appointed time travel associate to obtain another pair, and the excuse that you simply do not wish to wear suspenders will not be tolerated.
xi. On alternate Thursdays, you will be required to wear the white helmets. All other days you may go without wearing the white helmets, as they look silly.
xii. The book Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is fictional, and thus cannot be visited. We recommend visiting Hebert Candy Mansion in Shrewsbury, Massachusetts anytime between 1917 and 2007, preferably during the Easter of any given year, should you have a chocolate craving.
xiii. Please be sure to learn the appropriate manner for addressing people in the time you're visiting.
xiv. Elvis was in that plane for a reason, you are not allowed to stop him from boarding Eastern Airlines flight 818 with celebrated pilot Amelia Earhart, celebrating the new daily link between the Worcester, Mass and Memphis, Tennessee airports. Anyone caught tampering with that flight will be severely reprimanded and possibly barred from further time travel.
xv. You are allowed to bet on any sporting event you see fit in the past. Of course, your winnings will simply further bankrupt the past, as this is well trodden ground. So even if you get there before everyone else you're not going to profit terribly from all the effort. There is one exception to this rule.
xvi. You are allowed to bet on any sporting event you see fit in the past. Except for the 2004 Boston Red Sox World Series victory and improbable American League Championship Series win over the New York Yankees in seven games.
xvii. Feel free to return to the past and offer to replace any gear you may see people wearing with a NY symbol on it with the Boston Red Sox caps provided with each time travel device.
xviii. Do not spit out the window of the time travel device while the device is in motion unless you are 100% positive you are at the point of entering into the Mesozoic era from the Cenozoic. This, again, is another part of the Concerned Citizens for Proactive Time Travel effort to influence the past by creating a giant spitball, which will crash into the Earth, killing off the dinosaurs so we humans can claim some of the prime real estate near the coast, which hitherto has been dominated by rather large, hungry reptiles.
xix. Pack a towel, for obvious reasons.
xx. If you are cold your time travel device should have been equipped with a heating device. However, take care, because not all heat devices appear to be functioning correctly, and could erase you from the space-time continuum, should they malfunction in-flight. Use the well-known rule: "If it's numb, risk the whole bum." This makes no sense, really,
Summary
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