The Horoscopes
Yeehaw!
Taurus April 20 - May 20
There is one thing I must impart to you this week:
Do not take yourself too seriously this week. Oh! And... oh, wait, no, sorry, I've hit the one thing quota.
Talk to you next week.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Sieze the day!
Really sieze it!
Got it?
Good. Because a day in the hand is, umm, worth, two in the umm... hamper. Which is where I usually find days, anyway.
Oh, and thanks for the presents. If that wasn't you, disregard.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
"Man [and woman] may not live on bread alone."
Remember this this week. Last week you went a bit heavy on the bread, light on everything else. It's called balance.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Someone will really piss you off this week.
Sort it out with them, don't let it fester inside.
For the record, by "sorting it out" I mean simply ripping into them, getting whatever problem you had with them off your chest. Nothing may be sorted, but you'll feel better.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Treat those around you with kid gloves this week.
Except one person, and one person only. That person you can kick around with... well, with whatever you normally kick people around.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
You are floating in a tub of some sort of jelly-like substance, but without the stickiness of floating in an actual tub of jelly. Just floating, blissfully, like an elk in a china shop.
This illustrates the power of visualisation. Try it out this week.
You might want to start with the tub of jelly example before working up to the old "You're filthy rich" visualisation, which I've found often results in violence unto others when you find yourself trying to steal their money.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Okay, here's the score: Eat a teaspoonful of sugar each day this week.
It's something I've always wanted to do, and now that you have a prescription, as it were, to do so, you should really take advantage.
Aries March 21 - April 19
Life is almost never fair for the underachievers.
Prove them wrong (whoever 'them' is) this week by sitting in and munching on a strict diet of chocolate and wine.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Dude, you find a bug in your soup this week.
This will strike you as particularly odd, because you ordered pizza.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
No.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Neptune will give you some pretty clear ideas about what to do about a certain problem we know you've been having by the end of the week.
They may not be correct, but they're going to be damn clear, anyway.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Okay, for the morning of the 17th your every wish will be fulfilled.
Unfortunately, your first wish will be, in classic "You have this many wishes or for this long a timeframe" style, horribly misinterpreted.
With seconds to spare, you'll narrowly avoid walking around for the rest of your life with a gerbil's ears and not be markedly different than you are before the wishes were all fulfilled.
[Horoscopes. Read Sane Magazine on your iPod. (Don't worry, we're working on something a little easier.)]