|
California Dreamin'
"What if, just what if, your partner threatened you?"
With death, that is.
Well fine, yes, if it's all in the spirit of jest, fine, you might think that you're safe. No big problem, you might say. Or think, if you're inclined to keep things inside.
Your girlfriend or boyfriend or wife or husband or partner or whatever you tend to call him/her maybe quietly says something along the lines of, "I am going to kill you."
"This," some of you may be thinking, "is exactly why I'm single."
"But surely," others of you will say, "they can't have meant it seriously! After all, I hear the same sort of thing all the time, and there's always a little hint of humour underneath it all, like, you know, dark humour."
Oh sure. And that's what I thought. But now, now I'm on the run, and I've got this stitch in my side, but I know I can't stop, because I know she's probably right behind me. Or, if not right behind me, plotting her next move with a map of the city like some giant, very funny looking checkerboard. And she cheats at checkers (or draughts, if you will), she once tried convincing you she had three kings on the board seconds after I mentioned how we were even at two kings apiece.
Oh yeah, and I've still got a paint brush stuck through my shoulder. You see, I couldn't get it out, what with the one arm only really functioning at the time, seeing as how I had a paint brush, handle first, sticking somewhat surprisingly out of my shoulder.
Forgot about that. That was my strategy for the last day or so: try ignoring, if not forgetting, the paintbrush sticking out of my shoulder, maybe then it wouldn't hurt so much.
It works, just in case you ever find yourself in the same situation, but there's still a little bit of a sting to it, as you might expect, after all, it's a paint brush. Those things aren't exactly the most aerodynamic implements to be stabbed with, you know?
Look, man, all I'm telling you is, you get a threat, take it seriously, take it very seriously.
I did, and look what happened to me. On the run, paint brush in my shoulder, and feeling very much like the prey.
Oh yeah, and watch out for scrambling through hedges with a paint brush in your shoulder, that hurts.
disclaimer:
The boys over in our software group have been hard at work. ContactCreator.service is a service for Mac OS X 10.2 that will take any bit of selected text (like, say, a signature in an email) and create a contact in your AddressBook. Okay, okay, so that's not terribly exciting, and I don't think I've ever had call to use it, personally, but one of them got a bright idea about it last week and just wouldn't stop talking about it until we let him just go off and develop it.
So go check it out! If you're a Mac user. And are on Mac OS X. The latest version. Woo.
It'll make 'em feel all nice and fuzzy if you do, because deep down inside it all software engineers are vulnerable people, and need love, too. They're also a bit weird. You know, like they talk funny, and are always relating things to programming languages, which I, anyway, find odd.
And it's always best to do things to make weird people feel okay, otherwise they might get too weird, and then you won't know where you are.
Like, for example, one of them is sleeping on the couch at the moment. She's (yes, shocker, a chickgeek in our staff) passed out on the couch, hugging a pretty hefty technical manual. And a pair of trousers she'd just finished washing in the ladies room sink. Actually, that last bit is a lie. She actually looks quite normal, which is a bit disappointing. Perhaps they just exhibit the weirdness when they're awake. Anyway, let me tell you, normally she's quite weird. But hey, she writes software, so we let her be weird, probably so weird we'd have locked up a normal, non-software-writing person up ages ago, but there she is, free to lie about and sleep on the couch right there in plain view, just because she writes software and stuff.
And, if you'll excuse me, I have someone staring at me at the moment.
|
Yer Weekly Horoscopes.