Taurus April 20 - May 20
You should also not throw stones.
Especially when living in a house that has a lot of termites.
Leo July 23 - August 22
That alarm last week over something in my eye has passed, and you feel calm, at one with the Universe.
This could mean you're just feeling a bit bloated, as the Universe is big. Real big.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
And just when you thought it was safe, a raisin in the yoghurt leaps out and almost attacks you!
Or maybe you just tipped over the container when you turned away from the table.
Either way, you may want to just play it safe and keep the yoghurt in front of you at all times.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
You will have the most outrageous gas attack this week. Really.
It won't be pleasant, and let me tell you, it will put a whole lot of things into perspective for you.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Your week is distinctly classic French chic.
The evenings, however, are a light post-Dylan Thomas Manhattan.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
If you had a penny for everytime someone tells you you look lovely this week you would have about three hundred pennies, after which people would stop telling you you look lovely, as you're too busy hunched over trying to keep pennies from falling all over the place.
What they would say, if they thought of it, is that you still look lovely for a person carrying a hell of a lot of coins.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
You will be running, a lot, this week.
Hopefully you come in first.
Or at least don't get run over by anything larger than you, which is always my goal when I run.
Aries March 21 - April 19
I really don't like that colour on you.
Saturn predicts bad bad bad Leroy Brown to come a-waltzin' into your week.
That will be a bit weird.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Hey smelly, this week holds good fortune for you.
Use the numbers 6, 19, 32, and 21. Trust me. Or, rather, trust Mercury, who's been dying to play the numbers for some time.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
'Brother,' I'll have you know, was used in the non-gender-specific sense of the word last week.
Dude.
You have a distinct lack of horoscope this week, still.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Kumquats is all you have left at the end of the week.
Which ruins your goal of having a kumquat-free week, but you win some, you lose some, and so it goes.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
All of a sudden things will seem quite interesting this week.
Should you choose a strawberry trifle for dessert or something with chocolate?
This decision could alter the very course of your life.
[Horoscopes. Wow. Flashback, man. Oh yeah. And QI Software rears its' ugly head.]
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