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Pope Offers to Mediate Between Roy and Mick
In an effort to sort out the Republic of Ireland's flagging football hopes and ongoing media furore with the sending off of captain Roy Keane and his now well-covered bust up with the manager Mick McCarthy, His Holiness John Paul II, aka The Pope, has offered to mediate a solution to the impasse -- getting Roy back into the Republic of Ireland squad, making peace between the two men, and ensuring the Republic of Ireland supporters can watch the World Cup without a foreboding sense of doom. Many will argue the situation's not so much an impasse as it is a valid reason for much despair and wailing and gnashing of teeth and all the other sort of things associated with events that aren't great, really. Those very same people have also laid claim to workman's compensation for mental and emotional duress during these potentially disastrous days. The claim for compensation is in addition to days to be taken off during the Republic of Ireland's two scheduled weekday matches and to compensate for any additional days that may or may not have been taken sick, had Roy Keane played and Ireland gone on to the quarter finals or further.
The Pope, a well documented football supporter and eligible to stake a claim to a place in the Irish squad by virtue of having a great grandmother who once visited Ireland back in the late 1800s (and at just slightly older than Steve Staunton, a decent choice to shore up the defence), follows on the coattails of Bertie Ahern, who had offered to take time out of his strenuous job of sorting out the county's political situation to iron out the ill will between the two men. Bertie's offer was gracefully declined by both men, though applauded roundly by a healthy segment of the population passing by Merrion Square in an informal poll, which worked out well for himself. Bertie is resting comfortably at home now, "contented and not a little bit exhausted" after his grueling offer and few hours of media circus generated in the wake of the aforementioned offer.
In a press release Sunday morning, the Pope expressed his wish that the Republic be "put back together again, people can forget their differences and forgive certain little tirades, especially ones in which one party calls the other a w**k*r, because, let's face it, it probably happens on the pitch all the time, and could we please put all this malarkey behind us, boys, and get out there and thrash Cameroon, Saudi Arabia, and Germany."
The Pope's aides went on the record afterwards to note that, while the Pope hoped Cameroon, Saudi Arabia, and Germany were thrashed by the boys in green, in no way was this a spiritual condemnation of the nations, and they shouldn't fear for their eternal souls or anything, should they happen to finish top of the group, ahead of the Republic.
The Pope made a brief appearance this morning at his window, despite his ailing health, and led all assembled in a rousing rendition of "We're on the one road" and a few chants of "Olé olé" for the boys.
disclaimer:
Back to the travelogue next week, providing the Pope manages to sort things out between Roy and Mick.
Those people going to sit outside the FAI's offices in Merrion Square to protest or support the FAI, please take care not to use the Sane Magazine's front steps as a bench, nor should they neglect to put their rubbish in the proper and widely accessible receptacles. Thank you for your consideration.
By the way, Steve, that crack about your age? Just kidding. Good luck, boyo.
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