Taurus April 20 - May 20
You wake up on Monday with a strange feeling in the back of your head...
After opening your eyes and focusing a bit, it turns out you've set sail, with the rest of the signs, on the world's largest banana boat!
And wouldn't it figure, you've forgotten your sailor cap.
Leo July 23 - August 22
You warily keep your eyes on a Taurian, walking around with their hands on their head, the fingers of one hand pointing straight up into the sky, looking quite contented.
You keep mum, but make sure to pick out a cherry to sunbathe on somewhere on the other side of the boat from the bullish sort.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
A horde of Leos come over to your prime sunbathing location and wind up standing about, chatting, blocking your sun.
You would move over to the banana part of the boat, but are terribly frightened of falling overboard due to the lack of flotation devices (at least that you could see).
Also, you can't really see a bit that's not covered by fudge, which would surely inhibit proper tanning.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
The massive amount of sunbathers on the eastern cherry and fudge-covered banana side of the boat frustrates your early attempts to lay out in the morning, so you trek about the boat, looking for a captain to whom you can voice your complaint.
This search would go considerably better if you knew what the captain of a banana boat (and a cruise version, at that) looked like.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
You're mildly worried at everyone's tendency to jump out and attempt to sunbathe as soon as they set sail across the water, especially considering it's about 7 degrees Celsius and you're passing through the English Channel on the way south over to Argentina (the route most popularly taken by banana boats this time of year due to favourable trade winds).
Indoors, out of the coldish wind and the voluminous smell of suncream you enjoy a refreshing soft drink, and lean back with a newspaper. Thankfully and perhaps luckily, there is a distinct lack of coverage of anything Japan-related (besides whalers and gadgets) in your cruise version of the paper.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
Despite Capricornians' disapproving glare from inside the boat, you're never one to pass up the opportunity to sunbathe, even your skin turns blue from the cold.
Later on Thursday evening, you'll be proudly showing people your shoulders, claiming that they're the slightest bit more brown than when you started on the trip.
This point is subject of much debate before people realise they can't argue with you and should just nod and smile.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
You learn quickly, and nod and smile when a gaggle of Cancerians pass you by on the deck asking if you can't see the difference in their tan. As you've never seen the bulk of these people before, you figure it's safe to nod, in the hope that you'll never see them again.
Unfortunately, your quickness to nodding winds up getting you a set of stainless steel kitchen knives that can cut through pennies, when a traveling salesman wanders past, rolls up his sleeves and attempts to show you his wares, only for you to agree straight away. They may come in handy later, who knows?
Aries March 21 - April 19
You happen to be passing through one of the cabins and notice that a Capricorn has fallen asleep in their chair and appears to have finished with the paper sitting in their lap.
You reach over, stealthily and grab the paper from their lap... though you happen to lose your balance a bit, plant your right hand firmly on their left knee, which causes their knee to move, you hand to move, your balance to go walkabout again, your body to begin to fall, which is stopped briefly by the Capricorn's body and a corner of the table holding their fizzy drink, and the whole lot of you goes tumbling to the cabin floor.
Libra September 23 - October 22
The banana boat kind of gives a jerk, and water splashes over the side, wetting the sunbathers.
Just when you're beginning to get your balance the ship gives another jerk, and with the foaming fizz spilling out of one of the passenger cabins comes a torrent of water, which is never a comforting thing to see on a ship.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
You're stuck below deck, as you've no horoscope, and the other signs didn't want you off gallivanting above deck where other people might see you.
Alas, this means you drown as the fizzy drink eats through the decks of the ship to the water, where the water, naturally, bubbles up with great fervour.
These are the downsides to not having a registered horoscope.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
As a wise Sagittarian you decide it can't be too far to Argentina, and opt to swim for it.
You get very very cold around the third week in the water, which is a downside.
On the upside, it seems you may have discovered the mythical Northwest Passage, sought by explorers and royalty for years!
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
The amount of suncream some of the other star signs have applied has effectively sealed their bodies against leaks, so you wisely hop on the nearest floating Cancer and wind up floating to a nice warm island off the coast of Portugal, where you dry out the Cancerian and spend your days playing cards with leaves you've cut down and coloured on.
You also learn a fascinating trick you can do with coconuts.
[Horoscopes. We're hoping to see something like this again...]
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