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Add Sane Magazine to your My Netscape.

None of the phones in my Life appear to work.
The phone by the door, by which I'm supposed to ask someone, after they've happened upon my buzzer and buzzed it, who they are and how it was they happened to find themselves pressing my button, as it were, doesn't work. I can hear them, usually mumbling to themselves, but not terribly often responding to myself. I also have a lovely aural view of any cars passing outside. Which don't talk to me, either, though I'm slightly less worried about them.

My mobile I've now actually come to believe was never meant to be a 'phone at all, and just so happens to look and behave like a 'phone in every single way except for actually having another person on the end of the line when you either answer it or attempt to answer an incoming call. Or at least I'm assuming it's an incoming call, and not some sort of extremely realistic impersonation. It could be that it's just a test device, a training mobile, to get people acclimated to having to carry around all of this technology that beeps and whizzes in it's own special way. And I would completely understand, as I've dropped this one countless times, and, had it been a real 'phone, I'm sure it'd be filing some sort of suit against me for malefeasance or negligence or somesuch.

My other telephone just sort of sits there. It doesn't ring, occasionally it's cord will work it's way out into the middle of the floor, catch my foot as I shuffle past, sending the 'phone and myself flying, usually in a similar direction. For quite a while, I was under the impression (though I kept it quiet) that I may have been confusing my telephone with an iron (not having a great deal of experience with either or them, or at least not having a great deal of success with either of them), though I'm reasonably sure I've got the two sorted out now, neither one of them rings, one of them gets extremely hot after being plugged in for quite some time, and has since been relegated to the deepest, darkest cupboard, so I don't hazard making a similar mistake in the future.

Whether this has something to do with me or is a general indication of the poorly monitored 'phone standards or is a general state of metaphysical disarray that I've either engendered in or am just bearing witness to in my 'phones, I don't know, it just makes Life oddly silent, once that first bell rings. And all of this is fine by me, really, I don't mind, terribly. Just don't expect me to follow any stories you begin telling that involve some sort of telephonic empathy.

disclaimer:
If you happen to own a 'phone, of any kind, that also doesn't work, it's likely that it's not my fault. If you've been waiting for a call from me, there's a very good chance that this article is an explanatory note/excuse.

If you're just one of those people that like to complain about every little thing, that's fine, too.