Taurus April 20 - May 20
You've got something stuck between your teeth.

Leo July 23 - August 22
"Guppies from Heaven" was never a song, and no, it is not a good idea for one.

Virgo August 23 - September 22
If you were to, hypothetically, attempt to break into a bank by tickling the bank tellers they might let you off for showing a bit of ingenuity.

Gemini May 21 - June 20
I know what you had for lunch on Tuesday, and you deserve the nightmares it's going to give you.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Red is not your colour this week.
Lima beans are not your food this week, either.

Cancer June 21 - July 22
Wombats dig it.
Your week will be froofy.

Pisces February 19 - March 20
If, perchance, you happen to find yourself married as a result of this week, don't say we didn't warn you. Even if our warning was a bit late.
You will have red eye the entire week.

Aries March 21 - April 19
Oxygen and helium, when combined, make an invisible gas. So you're really not sure whether or not you've properly combined them, and this whole exercise could have been quite pointless.

Libra September 23 - October 22
A bookworm, tired of gnawing through just books, eats your foot off this week.

Scorpio October 23 - November 21
In addition to the copious amount of trees you find yourself surrounded by, you discover nettles this week.
The first few you discover probably sometime after initially encountering them, as they're firmly embedded in your fingers (and an enterprising one in your leg).
You're able, with your quick brain, to employ one of the furry four-legged creatures that insist on sitting upon your head and occasionally biting your hair, and manage to work out a few of the nettles with a combination of their teeth and claws. They would be terribly handy if you happened to have beer bottles hanging about, you surmise, but sadly don't have any beer bottles on which you could try out those thoughts.

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Three days shall pass in which nothing shall happen to you. On the fourth, a loud voice from the heavens shall say unto thee, "Where are my socks?"

Aquarius January 20 - February 18
A little bird once told me that I should climb up to the highest point I can, leap off, and fly away, off over the horizon.
Which I would have done, if he hadn't sounded so much like Mick Jagger.
Eat a strawberry tart this week.

[Horoscopes. If you have not read Only Forward by now, get thee away the hell away from the computer and go buy it, now. Then read it.]