The Horoscopes
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Be careful with sharp implements this week.
Your cast iron gloves have finally come off.
A trip through the woods, however, and a severe bout of poison ivy, will have you putting them back on on Saturday.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Don't high five any Tauri you know unless it's the beginning part of the week.
Also: eat your carrots.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
A rich man is only as rich as the number of friends he has.
Rich women, on the other hand, should hoard gold, if they want to be considered truly rich.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
The sass is back!
You will be incredibly sassy this week.
Be sure to maybe hang out with a new crowd this week, as your old crowd may not appreciate sass.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Venezuelan fruit bars are going to cause all sorts of havoc on your schedule this week.
And there's no avoiding them, for you.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
Could it be your birthday month, starting early?
Someone will stop by with a bag full of money this week.
Unfortunately, it's US dollars, and the equivalent Euro value will be around 5 Euro.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Don't tease the fish this week.
Be they the ones at the department store, the dentist, or the doctor's. Just. Don't. Tease. The. Fish.
Or you'll be very, very sorry.
Aries March 21 - April 19
A visitor with a badge claiming to be from Area 51 will be by this week to pick up the ham. Glazed, not grilled, remember.
Libra September 23 - October 22
NULL!!
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Please sleep this week.
I'm begging you. Your mom is begging you. Your brother is begging you.
Just sleeeeeeeeeeeep.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
You can beat an egg, you can beat a retreat, but you can't beat a mime.
Go figure. Maybe you need to move somewhere with more lax laws about that sort of thing.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
My eyes! My eyes!
Or rather, your eyes. Your poor, seared eyes. Jesus, who left the TV on Bravo TV, anyway?
[Horoscopes. A little Yeats never hurt...]