The Horoscopes
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Believe in miracles this week.
Like peanut butter and jelly and sardines tasting nice.
I wouldn't try it, as it might test your beliefs, but it's something to believe in.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Cloning technology is not sufficient for what you want to do this week.
How about asking the baker to simply bake some extra cakes?
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Your lifelong feud with Bob Barker will come to a head on Thursday.
Make sure you are wearing your fighting pants.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Consider this advance warning for the events of Friday morning and the cleanup it will entail.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Don't wear high-heeled shoes this week.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
Your nights will be uninterrupted once again.
Umm, just not this week.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Gerbils don't try and swim upstream for a reason.
For one thing, those little plastic balls they get put in don't make for good swimming costumes. Let this be a lesson to you.
Aries March 21 - April 19
That hat is just not a good idea.
Go back to bed early on Wednesday.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Nothing for you, Albert.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
You are feeling sleeeeepy. You will sleep in your own rooooooom.
That is allllllllll.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Don't touch the carrot dip this week.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
"No, you didn't," is the answer to the question you are pondering this week.
[Horoscopes. And Stars Fell on Landsdowne. Good job, Red. And Manny, you, too.]