The Horoscopes
Taurus April 20 - May 20
You are the sunbeam of someone's life this week.
So you could, technically, give them seasonal affective disorder by failing to shine on them.
Leo July 23 - August 22
This week is the first week of the rest of your life, and your new-found mission in life, courtesy of Saturn, is to party like it's 1994!
Virgo August 23 - September 22
A very loud, and slightly annoying, party seems to have started up next door. This is exactly the time we were referring to, a few years ago, when we told you to have a shotgun on hand.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Persevere and you shall be rewarded.
Especially with scratch tickets.
Even though the reward to pay-out to get the reward may not be tipped in your favour, you will be rewarded, in a literal sense, if not in a sense that would put your financial ledgers in the black.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Happy birthday to you!
Eat lots of cake and yoghurt this week.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
Next week will be crazy.
(This week, too, it's just that you won't notice so much because you're worried about how crazy next week will be. In retrospect, next week will not actually be *that* crazy, and this week will trump it for sheer craziness. Go figure.)
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Congratulations!
Mercury is giving you earplugs for your next birthday.
Aries March 21 - April 19
The winds of change will blow down the umbrella on your picnic table set.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Nada doin'.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
No more snotty nose for you this week.
Which will be hard to tell, from all the rice cereal encrusted on your face.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
You will meet a ghoulish fate this week.
He's short, and hangs out at that Goth club in Somerville. And yes, that's the name on his driver's license.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Something new and exciting is about to rare up and bite you in the bum!
Figuratively.
[Horoscopes. How fast are you?]