The Horoscopes
Taurus April 20 - May 20
A nice comfy pair of slippers is a godsend.
Just beware, because one in ten Tauri will find scorpions in their slippers this week. This is not a godsend.
Leo July 23 - August 22
It will be the kind of week where you'll be wishing you had a clothespin to stick on your nose by the end.
So will those around you.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Be bold, be brave, and most of all, carry an umbrella!
It has been shown in studies that an umbrella, being essentially a modern day, legal replacement for a sword, will make you feel 25% more empowered than if you were carrying anything else.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
It's a carrot and green beans week for you, I'm afraid, none of that good old fashioned meat and potatoes.
Don't be afraid to challenge authority this week, just expect to do it on a vegetarian diet.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
You will regret that photo taken of you this week later in life.
It won't be for a few years yet, however, so I wouldn't worry about it too much.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
On Monday, you will decide you're moving to Guatemala, Tuesday: Tenerife, Wednesday, Richmond on Thames, Thursday: Marlebone, Friday: Jamaica, and for Saturday and Sunday you will reside in the land of Honah Lee.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
"Life is a highway, if you're going my way, it'd be great if you'd give me a lift, because petrol is so darn expensive these days. Stupid dinosaurs." Or so the song goes.
Take someone you might not otherwise do on a ride... just preferably not out to the desert to kill them or anything. Which is the first thought that popped into my head when I re-read that preceding sentence.
Aries March 21 - April 19
Boy, are you ever going to pick the wrong time to sneeze this week.
It's not so much the loss to Science, it's the resulting airborne particles your sneeze will have blown will wreak all sorts of havoc, causing the closure of several nearby schools and motorways.
Libra September 23 - October 22
The burden of being popular is that your legacy gets all tarnished by other people trying to glom on to your popularity.
What this basically means is that you're going to be dogged by that photo of Britney Spears making eyes at you for the rest of your life.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Did you nearly have a horoscope last week?
Well, not this week, mate.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
We do not condone violence here at the Sane Magazine Horoscopes, but sometimes it's just best to break out the foam bat and go around whacking people upside the head because, let's face it, everyone probably deserves a little foam smack upside the head now and again.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Okay, so this week will also be about decisions.
One day in the very near future you will enjoy a day without a major decision hanging over your head.
But not this week.
[Horoscopes. Speaking of this, Sane Magazine is one of the least likely websites to be made into a film.]