The Horoscopes
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Somewhere, in a field, by a river, with little slippery rocks in it, your necklace can be found.
If you didn't realise you were missing a necklace perhaps you'd better check your jewelry drawer.
Leo July 23 - August 22
You will be taking a very pleasant trip this week.
Oh, and it will be made all the more pleasant by a certain American football team on Sunday.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Your vocal chords will be slightly charred by Sunday's game, though it will all have been worth it, as the San Diego players will be distracted by muffled screaming coming from somewhere far outside the stadium during the fourth quarter, throwing off their hurry up offence in an attempt to even the score up, and the good guys will win.
So be sure to have honey and tea nearby, to celebrate.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Like a herd of elephants passing in the night, you'd never know you had guests, except for the odd smell left behind, and the big muddy footprints everywhere.
Oh, and your mop has been broken, which makes it all the more apparent.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
So they say it's your birthday, hey hey hey, hey hey.
Indulge yourself in your possible birthday week by smashing your face in some Ernie cake.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
Okay, so we lied about the dreadlocks and Hawai'i last week.
But this week, due to a freakish storm, it will look as if you have dreadlocks. So maybe it's better to just go with the flow.
On Friday, you will decide you are moving to Iceland.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Pick your friends carefully this week.
Because you won't get a chance to pick any more anytime soon, and you don't want to get stuck at the bottom of the barrel, with Fred, like you did last time.
Aries March 21 - April 19
A swan in a peapod catches less dust than a pig in bamboo, or so goes the saying.
The trick is getting the swan in there in the first place, sans dust, which no one ever tells you.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Don't get all fancy pants this week; keep it simple, bub.
Otherwise that is going to be one heck of a phone bill you run up, and no one is going to let you live what you do down, since you forgot you either don't have curtains, or that, at certain times of the day, your curtains might as well be see-through.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
I honestly, truly, madly, deeply, wish I could tell you what's going to go on with you this week.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Your motives on Thursday are very transparent.
A simple minded monkey could suss out what you're up to.
You'd just better hope your friend doesn't have a simple minded monkey around.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Decisions, decisions.
Imagine the choice is like you have three shut doors in front of you, and behind each, you've been told, is 1) a tiger, 2) a beautiful lady, and 3) a plate of scones.
Why you should believe anyone about what's behind there is beyond me, but it's worth having someone else open the door you pick first, just in case.
[Horoscopes. Let the games begin!]