The Horoscopes
This week only! Your exclusive guide to wooing the signs, a follow-up to the wildly successful 1999 (as best we can tell/remember) horoscopes tips!
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Tip one: If a Taurus is eating a donut or a bagel or something, don't take it away from them. Not with tricks and subterfuge, not with a directness so bold it's... well, very bold. Just not at all. Let them have it.
And that's you, off to a good start with a Taurus.
Leo July 23 - August 22
So you've got your eye on a Leo. I don't blame you. He or she may be little, but s/he's cute.
A little powder and a fresh change of trousers are the best temptations for your little Leo.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
You might think letting thousands of flowers loose from a blimp or hot air balloon onto the Virgo of your affections sounds like an excellent idea, but in all practicality, blimp captains are a surly lot, and don't follow directions a lot.
And though you wouldn't think the cost of cleaning up thousands of flowers from a city street would be prohibitively expensive, it can get very.
So save yourself a little planning headache and cost and just get a bunch of flowers. If you like the aerial idea, try tying them up in a bunch and lobbing them through an open window to him/her.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Breadcrumbs are the key to winning the heart of a Gemini
Like Hansel and Gretel, they will follow breadcrumbs almost anywhere... just line them up in a row leading right to your doorstep. The rest, my friend, is up to you.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Bright flashes of light and noises, not necessarily loud noises, will attract you a good Capricorn.
And it that fails, musk. Lots of musk.
And if that fails, try candy.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
I have only one word of advice for you, seeking out the heart of a Cancer. Well, sorry, a few words of advice. They are one of the most complex signs, after all.
A mystery wrapped in the Zodiac wrapped in a bit of chiffon.
You can try many, many approaches to wooing one.
But I will tell you, here and now, there is only one thing that will worm your way into a Cancerian's heart:
Banana Bread.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Don't skimp on your cologne/perfume when chasing a Pisces.
They have extremely fine-tuned senses of smell, and will be confused by your overpowering scent. Which is the perfect time to step in and make them yours.
Aries March 21 - April 19
Funnily enough, the advice we gave over five years ago is still valid today:
Talk with them about snorkeling. Just beware, further research has revealed that a lot of Aries use 'snorkeling' in a euphemistic sort of way.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Pyrotechnics are the best way to wiggle into a Libra's favour.
Also, show off your dance moves, if any. They seem to like that sort of thing.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Scorpios don't have a horoscope, so they are incredibly difficult to woo.
Try using a net.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
To win the Sagittarius of your dreams, you're going to need a barrel of ethyl alcohol, cotton swabs, and a schnauzer.
Apply each in moderation and you're away!
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Wooing an Aquarius is easier said than done. Of course, most things are like that. Unless you're using a sphygmomanometer to measure your blood pressure. That is one of the few things easier done than said.
Point this out to an Aquarius, they like that sort of stupid fact.
[Horoscopes. I have no idea what this says, but it's cool. And they get into the ALDS, the ALCS, and the World Series. And some weird stuff about Pedro, dear, departed Pedro, being an alien. Which explains a lot. I think.]