Taurus April 20 - May 20
To snag a taurus, you must approach with care... and a bright red cape. They're a bull, yeh know? Just be careful, because if they catch that cape you're going to get dragged around like crazy. So unless you have a foam-padded venue we suggest swinging the cape around wildly, soon they'll tire and you can go over and stick them with a spear... err... yeah.
Leo July 23 - August 22
To loop this tiger, the leo, sprinkle corn meal around their door. For some unexplained reason, it drives them wild. It also helps if you visit them on the eve of St. Agnes, or at least read the poem to them.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
To harness a virgo, try an old-fashioned approach. A belt, when notched tight enough, will hold a virgo motionless for hours as they try to breath. That's when to make your move.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
To capture a gemini, it's best to use the subtle approach. Instead of buying tons and tons of drinks, try suggesting that they buy. This will throw them off, get them rather pissed at you, as you were the one who asked them out in the first place, and, in the process, order an obscene amount of drinks to "show you." Only it'll be you doing the "showing" when that angry buzz turns to unbridled passion!
Unless, of course, they just get angry and leave, or hit you, first.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
To severely hinder this sign, try following a capricorn every where they go. To the toilet, to work, home, to the pubs. Despite what you may have heard, stalking stories make for excellent fireside fodder years down the road, when you're still hanging about the person's window and they still haven't let you in. You'll all have a grand laugh over how funny life can be.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
To bed this wild muffin with butter, do just that. Place butter in the bed somewhere. cancers can't refuse butter. Of course, later, keeping there will become a problem, as butter is quite slippery, but we trust your imagination.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
To win over a pisces lots and lots of gifts work. Make them really expensive, too. That will get you in their good graces, letting them know that you have a lot of money and are willing to spend it all on them, which will endear you to them for quite some time.
Aries March 21 - April 19
To finagle your way into an aries' heart, mention that you love snorkeling. Nine out of eleven aries love to snorkel! If your particular one happens not to love snorkleling you might want to refer them here for help.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Conquering a libra isn't as hard as it may seem. To wiggle your way into their heart, use lots and lots of hair-cream, and slick all of your hair back against your skull. If you happen to have any musical talent, libras love disco, so you may want to give a go at that. If not, at least your pride will be intact.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Though there is some doubt as to this sign's existence, scorpios are best approached by giving them some space. Four years suffices for most. If, after that time, you still have their phone number, or some extraordinary agent of Fate on your side, give them a call, say "hey," and give them the weather report for where you are for the week, and ask them to bring a bathing suit and a towel.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
To 'butt' into a sagittarus' life and heart, we recommend using all-weather paint. Not only will their walls endure all sorts of weather, it will give you an excuse to get in their flat and paint their walls. When they question your judgement in using all-weather indoors, simply nod and smile, and gently remind them of last spring, with the water pipes. The words "quick shag" should be popping up in the conversation soon enough.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
aquarius is a most discerning character, tough one to crack. Of course, the promise of lots of money would help, so would candy. If you try shining a bright light at their eyes and hitting them with a toaster you are almost certain to knock them out, daze them a bit, which could be quite profitable for you as well.
[Horoscopes dating guide has been brought to you by an urgent need to have such things available to a greater audience. void in mississippi, USA, York, GB, and Clonmacnois, IRE.]
[research for most of these signs is still underway, and any additions would be most appreciated.]