Taurus April 20 - May 20
An avocado bites your ankle this week, due to your mistrust last week.
This isn't terribly painful, as this particular avocado has no teeth, as is common amongst their race.

Leo July 23 - August 22
Life amongst the gorillas seemed like an excellent idea while you were watching that film last week, but in practise it's a little different than you'd expected.

Virgo August 23 - September 22
You have the most utterly and completely boring conversation you will ever have in your life on Thursday.
Which is good that you get it out of the way, at least.
If you were looking for hints as to what it's about (bees), in the hopes that you can study up on the subject and maybe make it a little more interesting, you needn't bother, because it won't help.

Gemini May 21 - June 20
The answer, my friend, is blowin' in the wind.
The question is stuck up on top of the door with the spare set of keys, so you're going to have to wait for someone taller to come along.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Wednesday will be one of those days you wish you'd stayed in bed. If you're anything like me, most days are like that, if only because you've got a comfortable duvet and nothing beats a comfortable duvet.
So Wednesday will be a normal day.

Cancer June 21 - July 22
One of your sneezes this week will open up a small hole in the space-time continuum, and a large portion of delegates visiting a local anarchists convention will be sucked into sometime in the late 1960s in a slightly different universe, in which all political decisions are made by those little ugly dogs with the squashed nose and ripples of skin and fur around their neck.
As far as what it does for you, the sneeze was "pretty good," you tell someone who asks you about it, with a big grin on your face.

Pisces February 19 - March 20
Leave no stone unturned this week, as someone might have carelessly dropped their lottery ticket without checking to see if it wasn't a winner and you'd find it and get to cash it in and not have to root around on the ground, turning over stones any longer.

Aries March 21 - April 19
Okay, okay, so I'll lay off the inordinate number of tree monkeys in your horoscope.
It's not my fault, however, I'm only the messenger with a predilection for finding monkey references in what the stars tell me. Better than a surly messenger on a bike with a predilection for running down pedestrians...

Libra September 23 - October 22
If you happen to hit your head on Friday, do not accept assistance from the man in the black leather coat and the glass eyeballs.
He's a paid assassin for the Nissen bakeries who's been on your tail for months. Do a quick duck and roll (the duck if you're not already on the ground from the bang on your head) and a quick twirl kick in case he's too close, and run away to the nearest phone booth to get changed into something he might not recognise you in.

Scorpio October 23 - November 21
You feel a vague wistfulness for the days of yore, when you had no horoscope.
It's vague largely in part because you aren't entirely sure whether or not you can feel wistful for days of yore that include the present moment.

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
You are inclined towards long walks on the beach, poetry, fires in the hearth, and all sorts of other stuff that fits you into the personal adverts section of most major newspapers this week due to a bug in Saturn's orbit.
NB. That's a geek bug, not an actual bug, which would have a difficult time surviving in the vacuum of space, you know, whereas geek bugs exist anywhere possible, as you've seen if you've ever used a computer or instrument that has sharp metal edges.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Don't take those signs saying "Don't tread on the grass" lightly.
You will be visited by three ghosts, the first of which will come at midnight, and will smell faintly of garlic and sour cream and chives.
After this one you will be visited by two more, if you'd not realised by taking one away from three you got two.

[Horoscopes. "'Cause when I hold her in my arms, I feel like Fred Astaire..." Thanks, Tim, and good luck with whatever comes next. James played Wembley 10.12.01]