Taurus April 20 - May 20
Strange how there's never an avocado around when you need one... ever wonder why that is?
So do I, but I know not to rely on them for too much... this lesson is yours to learn this week, too.

Leo July 23 - August 22
The best laid plans of mice and men usually don't have a whole lot in common, unless the man doing the planning really likes cheese.
If you like cheese, this is your week for self-expression.

Virgo August 23 - September 22
Remember Weebles? Remember how cute and wobbly and plastic they were?
Your week is going to remarkably similar. Don't let small children put your week in their mouth, they might choke on it.

Gemini May 21 - June 20
That's not lint.
Be very cautious shaking hands with people this week.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19
You manage to break the previous world record and fit four and twenty seven blackbirds in a pie this week!
This is a minor disappointment to the people tasked with eating the pie, as they'd specifically asked for a blueberry pie, but there you have it. "You can have your cake and eat it, too," you'll tell them.

Cancer June 21 - July 22
They've discovered a sea underneath the surface of one of the moons of Jupiter, maybe, they think so, anyway, which apparently has a profound effect on you, turning you into some sort of vampyre or another.
This actually complements your roll as bus crime fighter quite well. It does mean you have to take considerably more night buses, but that's to be expected.
Take the week off work, Mercury in your Third House of Comfort says it's okay.

Pisces February 19 - March 20
The movements of the tides have for years dictated whether or not it will be a good year for fishing, and not, necessarily, been terribly helpful when trying to decide what to have for dinner.
The stars say have pasta, as it's relatively simple to throw together a nice meal of pasta, sauce, and bread or something without too much hassle.

Aries March 21 - April 19
A little tree monkey named Gregory (and not Greg, as he takes care to point out) tries to sell you a dodgy bunch of bananas this week.
It's a heartfelt gesture, though, so you buy them, despite the fact that they drip all over your carpet and clothing when you try to move them from the table.
Despite the equally heartfelt nature of his gesture of offering you a somewhat bug-infested bamboo tree and accompanying banjo (you didn't ask for details, really), you turn that one down.

Libra September 23 - October 22
Your favourite food this week, according to Libra, is chicken wings.
This isn't up for debate, and if you're vegetarian just pretend chickens aren't all that bright, anyway, and probably deserve to be turned into little sticky delicacies.

Scorpio October 23 - November 21
There is a big fat nothing in store for you this week.
Outside of the store, for you budding anti-capitalists, there is also a big fat nothing.

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
A curious sticky substance will find itself, naturally, stuck to your hand this week. You, too, will find it there. Stuck. Fast.
Fast in the sense that it's not moving, not in the sense that it's moving at a rapid pace or anything. Which may be a common mistake when people use the word fast in that sort of context, I suppose.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You will feel an indescribable urge to do something, which we'd elaborate more upon, if it was describable, which it isn't, so we won't.
As it is, you'd better be drinking some pretty strong energy juice or something.

[Horoscopes. Apparently, from the buzz around the office, coming soon, very very soon...]