Taurus April 20 - May 20
In a jealous fit of pique, you solder 180 cans of soda (without the beverage inside any more) together.
This is a commendable use of pique.

Leo July 23 - August 22
Your sign is in the ascendant, taking with it little ripples across the sky like a rock skipping across a pond, a big dark pond that happens to be defying gravity and isn't terribly wet and has stars in it.
Which is all very nice. As is the string of rock and roll parties you're obliged to throw when your sign is in the ascendant.

Virgo August 23 - September 22
A stranger in Toulouse will get up this morning, run down to their local post office and post a parcel (as you do).
Little did you know how this seemingly small event would have no effect whatsoever on your life.
So much for the grand unified theory.

Gemini May 21 - June 20
Gemini is running slightly late today, so your horoscope will have to do without the morning cup of tea and croissant.
It will also look a bit disheveled when it finally does arrive, panting about being detained by L--

Capricorn December 22 - January 19
If you're the wanker that just stepped on my foot then parked their suitcase on the aforementioned foot you will have a very very very bad week.
And an even worse perm.

Cancer June 21 - July 22
You will have the glorious opportunity (though who's to say this is a case of it knocking, perse) to see a very impressive collection of cats' eyes this week.
Please note: Some may be a bit damaged, as happens when you get a little too fevered in your minstrations to the cats' eyes.

Pisces February 19 - March 20
A series of partial untruths will not teach your grandmother to suck eggs, as the mixed bit of wisdom goes.
There are courses you, or your relatives, can enrol in if you're really keen on learning how to suck eggs properly.

Aries March 21 - April 19
If someone offers you a chance to push a button this week, take it!
After all, it might be one of those buttons that give a very satisfying click. Or it might not. Aries has 2-1 odds on.

Libra September 23 - October 22
Has it ever struck you how remarkably similar, phonetically, your sign's name and the word liverworst is?
Coincidence or conspiracy? You decide. Here's a hint... it's a conspiracy.

Scorpio October 23 - November 21
In addition to no horoscope, you'll also have lost your memory this week, which is just carelessness on your part. However, for fun, you'll go by the name of Mike this week, and your occupation, as you'll tell people who ask, is morris dancing on the professional circuit.
Print this out and take it with you, as you've no memory, and won't remember otherwise, Mike.

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
A guy on the tube next to you this week will smell. Which probably happens every week, but Sagittarius is tired and has a headache this week.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Carpet burns, acquired after a vigourous cleaning session (sans Hoover) will become infected by Wednesday, and you will become the first person to contract measles, a deadly strain, via shag carpetting.
This makes last week's incident with the rocks look okay, really.

[Horoscopes. The horoscopes edited this week with vi, again, for the sweet thrill of no arrow key, for maximum pleasure. And services on parade!]