Taurus April 20 - May 20
I can't quite see straight at the moment.
This makes it a small problem reading the stars for yourself.
Twiddle your thumbs or something, in the meantime.

Leo July 23 - August 22
You will be abducted by aliens in a hot air balloon on Thursday.
The air might be a bit chilly, so dress accordingly.

Virgo August 23 - September 22
Remember that tuna sandwich you made last week, the one with the lettuce?
No you don't, because it's grown legs and is hiding underneath your couch, watching the tele when you're not around.

Gemini May 21 - June 20
Running through the centre of town stark naked may be one way to get the attention of the person you've had your eye on.
It will also likely endear you to the gardaí. And your cellmates.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19
It's that time of year! Time for the kebab song!
C'mon, you know how it goes, sing it!
~~ Ke-bab, kebab kebab kebab kebab kebab keeeeeeee - baaaaaaaab ~~ [And repeat...]

Cancer June 21 - July 22
Someone may fawn at you. Or fan. Or paw. One of three, the stars are rather difficult to read when it's so cloudly out, really.
Nb. By fawning we don't mean anything involving deer. Same with fan and paw. As deer don't have paws, they have hooves. And they have little use for fans, really. But you probably knew that. Prawns rhymes with fawn. S.
This week will be lickable.
No deer were hurt in the making of this horoscope, expect for a small one that had a piece of taffy.

Pisces February 19 - March 20
For the love of all that's holy and good, on Friday, when all the people are chanting at you and the noise grows to an unbearable sort of crescendo (ish), please please please show some good sense, listen to the voices, and get a room!

Aries March 21 - April 19
If a tree falls in the forest and Julie Andrews is no where in the vicinity will she still get blamed for it?
She always has it tough, poor Julie.

Libra September 23 - October 22
You will do my bidding.
You are feeling very sleepy.
You will fetch my laundry from the cleaners on Wednesday. Don't forget my grey shirt this time.

Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Do you know the opera in which loads of people go about singing for a long time, a few of them die along the way, singing, usually, or at least warbling, as you might expect you'd do when you're dying, and the whole time some guy in a moustache prances around a sword that seems to double as a cane?
Neither do I. But at least I have a horoscope.

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
For some reason, I always get the distinct impression the stars are wearing slippers, a smoking jacket, and a tweed cap when I read your sign. Maybe I need to switch to tea leaves for you.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18
In some horrible mating ritual gone wrong, you will be pelted with rocks when you visit the elusive Shimmy Shimmy Bang Bang tribe in deepest darkest East Detroit, Michigan, USA on Tuesday.
This, as you might expect, hurts.

[Horoscopes. The horoscopes edited this week with vi, for maximum pleasure.]