Taurus April 20 - May 20
A growing sense of dis-ease will be curtailed by thirteen gallons of ice cream showing up in your kitchen on Thursday morning.
You call in sick for the day in order to finish it all before it melts.

Leo July 23 - August 22
That mention of ice cream has got me craving either ice cream or chips.
Though not the two together, thinking about it, that might potentially be digusting. Or not even potentially, actually.

Virgo August 23 - September 22
You will find yourself stuck in a cave this week, very Platonic-looking cave... wait a minute, we've done that one!
Your week will resemble bubble wrap, the one with the small bubbles, not the monstrous ones you'd like to cover a car park with and drive over in your car.

Gemini May 21 - June 20
Try this this week:
Stand in the middle of a relatively emptied room (preferably not in public, or at least not in public near me), stick your arms out to either side, castanets optional, kick off your shoes (non-tying ones preferable, obviously, otherwise you're bound to be kicking for quite some time), and spin and twirl like you've never spun and twirled before!
See if that doesn't brighten your week.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Take your tree-hugging tendencies to the next level and lick one.
Or you might want to start with a rubber plant or something that you'd imagine might be emminently more lickable than a tree.

Cancer June 21 - July 22
If you've ever entertained the notion of being a truck driver (or even bored the idea of being a truck driver to tears), with Mercury flitting through your star sign and that comet whizzing past, now is the ideal time to pick up a mildly related dream and begin what will be destined to become the world's largest crocheted mouse.

Pisces February 19 - March 20
'Forklift', what does that word say to you? Of course, if I'd misspelled it you might be inclined to think something entirely different.
Which I almost did, I almost did, almost altering the very fibre of your week.
And fibre is good for you, as most experts will tell you.

Aries March 21 - April 19
The expression "like shooting fish in a barrel" always seemed unnecessarily cruel to you, but after a weekend retreat you find it amazingly cathartic.
And you picked up a brochure for other weekend retreats where they put rhinos in a barrel for you to shoot at. Payback for the tree incident, you suppose, is only fair.

Libra September 23 - October 22
If you tend to use people as a crutch, you might find this week rather difficult.
The people that surround you this week are considerably more suited to being wheelchairs (this is not a commentary on anyone's weight, I'll have you know).

Scorpio October 23 - November 21
So.
How's life? Okay?
That's good.
Because you're still not getting any horoscope until you finish your beans.

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Kind of like a fly on the wall, you'll wake Tuesday to find yourself very very small and with thousands of eyes.
After which you'll swear never again to drink tequila on a Monday night.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18
When you were a kid and looked at the stars and dreamed some day of walking on those very stars you really wish someone had told you just how hot those stars are and how interstellar space travel would look extremely unlikely for you in the next twenty five to thirty years due to you giving voice to that dream in the NASA command centre during your interview for that astronaut job.

[Horoscopes. Camelot! Again, part of our broadband series, sorry about that, wimpy narrowband users.]