Taurus April 20 - May 20
You will be eaten alive by a horde of army ants this week.
On the up side, your skeleton will never have been so shiney smooth.
Do not make any long term investments this week.

Leo July 23 - August 22
A trip to the beach is on the cards this week.
Or at least watching an advertisement featuring a beach on television is on the cards this week.
Are you going to finish that hot dog?

Virgo August 23 - September 22
What would ever happen if your worry beads broke?
Your week will be best spent doing carpentry.

Gemini May 21 - June 20
Go on, count your chickens before they hatch. It's not like you're going to be off by much.
Unless you've taken to mixing your dinosaur eggs in with your chicken eggs, in which case you deserve all the rounding errors you get.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19
You receive a message from aliens through your SETI@Home client this week telling you to knock it off; they haven't called or written for a reason, so stop bugging them.

Cancer June 21 - July 22
Nothing strange at all will happen to you this week.
Wear halter tops this week, all week. And show lots of leg. Especially if you find yourself having to stop by the Sane Magazine offices this week.

Pisces February 19 - March 20
A tray of peach cobbler proves Newton's thing about gravity this week, with you as a witness/cause. It utterly fails when you attempt to get it to talk about Descartes and his damn vortices.

Aries March 21 - April 19
You miss the days when men were men and women were women.
This is the least of your concerns, and doesn't cross your mind in the least, because you're stuck in a tree this week, having been chased up there by a rhinocerous being a perfect example of a rhinocerous. The monkeys inhabiting the tree with you also display distinctly monkey-like behaviour.

Libra September 23 - October 22
You will miss your train on Monday.
You won't miss the following one, though, and the watermelon will splash and splurch all over the windows as it goes streaking past, much to the amusement of the other people waiting on the platform, except for one person who gets hit by a stray bit of rind shrapnel.

Scorpio October 23 - November 21
A rose by any other name is bound to confuse people, as they're more likely than not adjusted to everyone calling it a rose by this point, and you going on being all clever is just going to ruin it for everybody.
We'd take your horoscope away if you had one.

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
A missive delivered by an out of shape delivery boy in hotpants will save you from jumping off that cliff at the last second to attempt to save the young fish you saw hurtle over the falls. Your stopping leaping to your heroic deed could have either been your reaction to the letter (one of those free advertisements for a sale on somewhere, a golf shoppe, I believe) or your morbid curiousity in the reaon(s) the delivery boy thought he should ever have attempted to put on hotpants in the first place.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Being a workaholic means never having to say you're sorry. You can email it, but talking takes up far too much time.

[Horoscopes. Auuugggggh!.]