Taurus April 20 - May 20
Venus rising in your house of finance on Wednesday causes you to lose your marbles.
The err... marble ones, and not the figurative ones. They were quite valuable marbles, it turns out.

Leo July 23 - August 22
You can learn from Life's experiences. The little ones and the big ones.
Your own, that is. Don't go cheating and trying to learn over someone else's shoulder.

Virgo August 23 - September 22
A burst water main on 27th Street delays Virgo from putting in an appearance this week until Tueday, which is why you show up at the office on Saturday.
It still doesn't explain why you show up to the office in pyjamas on Thursday, though.

Gemini May 21 - June 20
Peanut butter is best applied, if at all, to walls with a spatula or other suitable flat device.
This goes against your previous theory that it would be more effective to throw globs of it at the aforementioned walls.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19
When you wake up in the hospital on Friday, the answer to your clichéd dual question of "Where am I, what happened?" is: You're in the hospital, and you were hit by a glob of peanut butter hurled at a wall you happened to be passing in front of at the time.
The remaining part of the answer that comes somewhat later, sheepishly, is that you also had your kidney removed, due to either hospital politics or a distinct non-shortage of doctors.

Cancer June 21 - July 22
Your ill-advised purchase of an otter, whom you called Ottoman, fulfills it's ill-advisededness this week when you attempt to play "Fetch" with it.
Otters are notoriously bad at Fetch.

Pisces February 19 - March 20
A friendly otter waddles up to you the way they do when they're carrying something heavier than they are on your trip to the park at the weekend.
It isn't until you've been petting and chirping at the otter for a little while that you realise it's carrying A HUMAN HAND!
Why the capitals, I'm not entirely sure. Your week will be oddly capitalised.

Aries March 21 - April 19
In your estimation scientists who wibble on about salad being good for you all the time (the wibbling goes on all the time, not about salad being good for you all the time, though you suppose that's implied but not referring to any specific timeframe during which salad is good for you only) are complete and utter liars trying to cover up some larger government conspiracy.
This is confirmed when one of them attempts to cook you a chicken pie.

Libra September 23 - October 22
Your pet enchilada named Pete, if you do, indeed, have one, especially considering last week's episode, mopes around on the couch, having finished snacking on the former bikini killers.
You notice it gives you inapprorpiate looks when you walk around the house in your hotpants.

Scorpio October 23 - November 21
You know that song "A Bridge Over Troubled Water"?
Oh, wait, I'm not talking to you, you don't have a horoscope.

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
When in doubt, choose cheese. Not only does it allow you to re-use lots of letters, people always like a cheese chooser.
You will be faced with an arduous conversation this week. The fact that it's with a plant makes it doubly arduous.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18
An errant text message will poke your eye out this week thus ending the fun and games, as the saying goes.
You decide to do something with your Life and become either a tap dancer or a lap dancer.
Or drive an ice cream truck. One of those three.

[Horoscopes. An interview not with a vampyre but with Steve. Who is not a vampyre.]