Taurus April 20 - May 20
Take the plunge at work this week and tie your boss up to a water cooler and throw peanuts at him or her whilst shouting, "Bee doo bee da bay."
This is, of course, if you've always fantasised about doing that sort of thing and if it will advance your career. If it won't we probably recommend against doing that, then.

Leo July 23 - August 22
Two anonymous stars rang in this week to tell you to stay away from the old mill this week.
One sounded suspiciously like Madonna again, which would be breaking the court order you'd had out against her.

Virgo August 23 - September 22
This week used to be celebrated by the ancient Mayans as a week of healing, rejuvenation, and kicking around a severed head in some sort of precursor to football.
This really has no relevance whatsoever to your week, but it's an interesting fact you can thrill and amaze people with you happen to run into this week.
Your week will smell faintly of corn.

Gemini May 21 - June 20
Fame is a very powerful force.
This is painfully apparent this week when you experiment poking your small dose of it against your arm, leaving burn marks (both painful and apparent).

Capricorn December 22 - January 19
How many times have I told you never to trust a snowman?
Against my better advice you let a snowman compare his wallet with yours this week and he takes off, leaving you wallet-less and with only yourself to blame.
And the snowman.

Cancer June 21 - July 22
Your Life is turned upside-down this week by Mercury messing around in your third house of Love, which is gravitationally opposite where Mercury was supposed to be, thus reversing your gravitational inclination and causing no end of people to comment on the fact that you're upside-down this week, given people's flair for belabouring the obvious.
They also note that your face has turned all red, from being upside-down all the time.

Pisces February 19 - March 20
Age is like a fine wine, best tasted once than left for dead on the doorstep.
How this relates to your week, common sense, or anything, really, is beyond me.
Your week will shimmer like eighteen angels dancing on the head of a pin, as they're wont to do.

Aries March 21 - April 19
You will have a groovey week.
And next week we'll show you how to fill those grooves with proper grouting techniques.

Libra September 23 - October 22
Your pet enchilada named Pete, in an unprecedented maneouver for an enchilada, eats the Bikini Killers whole while the group of you were sitting in your living room, chatting about their latest endeavours to ravage department stores' bikini sections.
If you don't have a pet enchilada named Pete you might want to consider that the alternative is that you have the aubergine-looking Bikini Killers around yet again next week. I thought you'd see it that way.

Scorpio October 23 - November 21
So what do you do with your weeks, generally, seeing as how you don't have a horoscope?
If you said macramé or anything involving home crafts and lots of yarn, the International Committee of People That Love Yarn have sponsored a movement to allow select Scorpio to change to another sign, one with a horoscope!
Oh, or that may have read "... to allow Scorpio to select scrofula." Ah well, all the same, really.

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Macramé, which made a cameo in Scorpio's non-horoscope, always reminds you of macaroni and cheese. Phonetically, not taste-wise.
Though I suspect if you were to coat macramé in cheese it wouldn't taste far off from macaroni and cheese.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18
The little known Eleventh Plague of Egypt, the one you'd been ranting and raving and wanring people about all these years, finally hits home on Wednesday when "yea, and thus did the rabid chickens pour forth from the Earth, though from where, exactly no one knows, as it was quite shocking, to see chickens pouring forth from the Earth, and verily did they do unto the people a horrible series of things, with much pecking and squawking and the Earth was a veritable mess of angry chickens and people with smarting wounds from their rabid chicken beaks, until on the third day did they rest, going back underground to await the next time upon which they'd be called."
Your week will go surprisingly well, despite all that.

[Horoscopes. Go talk about news! And stuff.]