Taurus April 20 - May 20
This new year brings tidings of giant spaceships invading the Earth! Run while you can!

Leo July 23 - August 22
Hug a tree this week, to celebrate the real millennium. If you did this last year, try not to hug the same tree, as it may be offended for last year's incorrect sentiment.

Virgo August 23 - September 22
This you may mark on your calendar as the year you learned the meaning of the word 'wibble.' Mark that with pride, I say.
If you still haven't learned it's meaning, then you haven't been paying attention, Charlie Brown.

Gemini May 21 - June 20
If you get the urge to rip your significant other's head off and feed it to army ants fairly often, you might want to re-think your relationship. Or at least fudge the truth a little bit, if you have frequent 'truth talks'.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Have you ever tried playing that game 'Got your nose' with a little kid and instead of showing them how you don't have their nose in the end by opening up your hand, secretly made a rubber model of their nose beforehand and had that in your hand?
That would teach them that when someone steals their nose it's not all fun and games.

Cancer June 21 - July 22
You curse the day your little nephew heard about building a better mouse trap, as that's all you or your family seem to get now for the holidays, homemade mouse traps, some better, some worse.

Pisces February 19 - March 20
The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, around again and putting in appearances to stir rumours of impending doom and destruction, stop by your house, seeing as you were so nice the first time they came around.
The scruffy one with the spear has brought a box of tea bags, "so you can serve that to visitors, instead of just water. ^(ref.)"

Aries March 21 - April 19
A glass of warm milk is rumoured to be an excellent aid if you're having trouble sleeping and would like to do so.
A bottle of Jameson's and a shot of bourbon is supposed to help if you're in the mood to skip sleeping gently and prefer to instead pass out in your chair and perhaps lose major motion functions for days at a time.

Libra September 23 - October 22
Let a sleeping dog lie.
This advice also follows for the horoscope writer, as the horoscope writer gets incredibly cranky when people wake him up for no apparent reason. Or for somewhat good reasons, even.

Scorpio October 23 - November 21
The Scorpion Inquisition by the Board of Horoscopal Integrity and Leg Waxing is thankfully no where near as bloody as the Spanish event of the same name.
Noting the absence of the funny hats the Spanish inquisitors wore, you conclude that that must have been the cause of all the violence.

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
You mistakenly read the preceding horoscope as containing something about 'Lego Waxing,' which says intriguing things about your psyche, and is a painful reminder that you can't mind your own damn horoscope!

Aquarius January 20 - February 18
The biggest argument for not enjoying reading, you think, is that presumably you wouldn't have cause to stack books two or three deep in the bookcase and perch them dangerously on top of the bookcase itself.
These are the sort of thoughts that pass through your head when you're lying on the floor, trapped beneath your bookcase.

[Horoscopes. Hey, more games!]