Taurus April 20 - May 20
If you're happy and you know it, please put down the handgun.
Your week will be purple. With spots.

Leo July 23 - August 22
A small woman will meet you at the grocer's, aisle 3, on Saturday. She will be holding a handbag, wearing dark glasses, and a shawl.
The password is "Fish the blue monkey" and you will receive a free sample of orange juice for your troubles.

Virgo August 23 - September 22
Venus says, "Eat your vegetables and peas this week."
Mars comments sullenly that peas are vegetables.
Either way, it looks like it's a green week for you!

Gemini May 21 - June 20
If you happen to use the expression "I don't trust <sm::person name="something"> any more than I could throw them," this week, be prepared to get out your throwing shoes and actually show just how far it is that you'd be willing to trust them.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Due to the rather large thunderclap that just rocked Chelsea, the horoscope writer is now cowering under his chair.
Plan your week accordingly.

Cancer June 21 - July 22
There was no mention of an accordion, nor has there ever been in the Sane Magazine horoscopes, to the best of the knowledge sitting off the top of my head. This is only brought up because one may accidentally read into the previous horoscope the mention of an accordion somewhere.

Pisces February 19 - March 20
The Four Horsemen (quite nice, when you get to know them, give them a drink of water, and don't do anything to annoy them), enjoy your hospitality so much that they promise they'll stop by on their way back from Armageddon.
With that knowledge, instead of thoroughly cleaning up the mud from their boots (and their horses hooves, as they said they couldn't bear to leave the horses outside), you simply sweep it into an unused nook, and figure you'll clean it all up properly when they've gone the second time.

Aries March 21 - April 19
Once again I find myself getting down to Aries, only to be completely and utterly blank. I blame it on you, personally.
That's it, you're on probation.

Libra September 23 - October 22
If you're caught between a kiss and a sigh, I'm not entirely sure where that puts you, physically.
Possibly Cork City, or maybe Toledo, Ohio.

Scorpio October 23 - November 21
After the surprising revelation that the furry four legged creatures that seem to enjoy sitting on your head can talk, you learn that they're the lost tribe of Philadelphia, a lesser known island than Atlantis that also sank into the sea, but one which still left it's indeliable mark on the subconscious of the population by having them name a city after it.
After explaining to them what Philadelphia's like (if only what you know of it from movies, movies like... ermm... Philadelphia... and others, maybe), the one you've been chatting to says it sounds pretty much like the old island, guns and all.

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Your missive from the hamster (who was only delivering it for the Petrocelli clan) had your orders to rub out Rico the GummyBear, the orders you'd long-feared, the orders you knew had to come someday, ever since that fateful meeting in the back of a pub in Brick Lane, and hey! come to think of it, you seem to recall the hamster being there, too.
The plot thickens... and you notice, rousing from your thoughts briefly, that the hamster is still waiting by the door, presumably, again, for a tip.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Your alternate universe island just off the coast of Libya (which, as far as you and the Jack Russells can tell, is 'peopled' solely by large multi-coloured lollipop trees) is busy experiencing it's eighth consecutive day of sunshine and temperatures in the low 80s (F), which makes you none too eager for the hiccup of the Zodiac to right itself.
You spend an exhausting week looking after the hyperintelligent Jack Russells setting up a hammock for you on the beach.
Your expert advice on the tilt of the umbrella is well-received, and saves the job two hours worth of calculating.

[Horoscopes. Throw away your Wintel boxes and get Openstep... ermm... MacOS X.]