Taurus April 20 - May 20
This week's horoscope health tip, don't feed the bears! Or try and juggle cans of turpentine.
Or both at the same time, as you're likely to be focused on the turpentine and not pay attention to what you're feeding the bear, and it might get ill, after you've accidentally fed it a Lego block that you thought, for some reason, was a carrot.

Leo July 23 - August 22
Always look on the sunny side of life.
However, prolonged looking at the Sun, itself, may cause retinal damage.

Virgo August 23 - September 22
The Electric Bandit Wizard, curiously not struck by lightning, tells you your week is going to be muddy, with occasional paint splatters.

Gemini May 21 - June 20
Your week will be like stir fried beef with black bean sauce.
And ice cream as a dessert.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19
A new cluster of stars appear in your sign this week, looking quite a bit like a Waltzing Coconut.
In fact, that's what they tell you they're called, and they advise you to take public transport this week.

Cancer June 21 - July 22
A toad will determine the Fate of your week, and not, as it is usually, the three sisters that sit about all day, knitting.
He'll choose warts. Typical toad.

Pisces February 19 - March 20
A jog through elderberry bushes proves a much more strenuous workout than jogging along the pavement or on a designated path in the park.

Aries March 21 - April 19
Learn to mambo this week.
You'll not regret it.

Libra September 23 - October 22
A neighbour inherits a fortune from a rich old uncle they'd never heard of before receiving their fortune.
Your week is slightly less exciting and certainly less profitable.

Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Having collected a fair amount of dirty laundry, you decide to operate a dry-cleaning service from your couch.
This involves largely shaking the clothes vigourously.

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
And the footsteps you'd heard behind you are the last thing you hear (the last thing you see, you'll note, is the hamster, reaching for the ignition, starting the car, and... that's it).
A very solid darkness falls over you, shortly following the very solid object that fell on the back of your head.
The last thing you touch is the rather wet gutter by which the hamster's car had been parked.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You will find you have an unnatural talent for predicting the colour shirt the lottery presenter will be wearing, but no aptitude whatsoever for predicting the numbers they pull out.

[Horoscopes. Do you remember these days at all? It's a good thing we started taking heavy drugs for that sort of thing.]