Taurus April 20 - May 20
You will punch someone for asking you if you're going to have a 'ghouls' night out this week.
A visitor from the East will come bearing Cadbury's chocolates. They will not ask you if you're going to have a 'ghouls' night out this week. So don't punch them.

Leo July 23 - August 22
Turning a flamethrower on all the little children that come to your door may not be the best practise of neighbourly-like behaviour.
Unless the kids were little menaces. Which they stand a good chance of being. Of course, turning the flamethrower on them doesn't mean necessarily actually frying little kids. You could maybe just pretend to.

Virgo August 23 - September 22
The brand new sign in the Zodiac, the Electric Bandit Wizard, that's popped up in your sign, urges you to send £5,000,000 to a post office box in Wichita, Kansas by Thursday or they will be struck down by lightning.
It also recommends you discard any item of clothing you may own that came from the Gap.

Gemini May 21 - June 20
Universal forces conspire to make you look like a fool this week.
This is a welcome change from not having any one to blame it on.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19
You will be captivated, at the bus stop, by a whirlwind of swirling leaves.
When you snap out of your reverie, some time later, you will feel oddly disconnected from the world, as if you've been transported to some magical time in the future while you were frozen in time, momentarily, watching the leaves, hypnotised by the leaves. Glancing around you, the air will seem a lot cleaner than you'd expected, in the future, the sun still shines relatively brightly, and the bus driver, who's just pulled up, yells out at you enquiring if you're going to get on, though he finally gives up and just throws his empty soda cup at you.

Cancer June 21 - July 22
Autumn always causes you to wax lyrical on the nature of being and perpetual change.
This makes you unfit for the company of others, and please, for your own safety, stay away from normal people.

Pisces February 19 - March 20
If you like, Sane Magazine is graciously running a service to check all your candy for potential poisons and/or razor blades.
To take advantage of this service, simply package up all your candy and send it to the London Sane Magazine offices. Wait three weeks and we'll reply, telling you whether or not the candy was poisoned.

Aries March 21 - April 19
In the midst of a horror-storytelling party, you'll be stopped because, although everyone knows how fond you are of hamsters, a story about three little hamster siblings that frolic and cavort in the tunnels and exercise wheels and burrow in their wood chippings is not a proper horror story, and is just you wibbling on about your damn hamsters again.

Libra September 23 - October 22
If you're looking for love this week, hunting for happiness, stalking for fun and profit, you're best off doing it in a pair of jeans and a comfortable jumper, worn with an air of insouciance.
Be warned, your air of insouciance may be mistaken for a nervous tic, so practise first.

Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Still on the couch.
Relaxing. Really enjoying it.
No grapes, no bright colours, no overstimulation of Amazon rain forests, nothing sitting on your head, no nettles.
People seem to keep dumping their dirty laundry on you, though.

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
The hamster waits in the car while you sidle up to the side door of the tinsel factory.
You notice a good deal more rubbish on the pavement than there had been when you'd worked there... way back in the day. A cough from a dark corner sends you straight back to the car, on the premise that you'd forgotten your... erm... wallet.
Upon saying so, the hamster gives a sheepish grin and hands back your wallet, which he'd been busy rifling through.
You hear footsteps behind you.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18
A nasty cough and the extra hour rather muddling your timing this week cause quite a few people you meet this week to believe you're really Ed McMahon.
Wear green pants this week.

[Horoscopes. Seem familiar to any of you?]