Taurus April 20 - May 20
A large ship from across the ocean will plague your week.
Being slightly more specific, the little monkey carrying an interesting strain of the plague aboard that ship will plague your week.

Leo July 23 - August 22
You turn over a new stone this week, contrary to the popular saying (or not contrary, but a mis-reading of the popular saying), and find a very disgusting looking bug.

Virgo August 23 - September 22
This is your week to relax.
A small grape, however, hasn't been informed about this situation, and proceeds to pester you all week with mis-placed entreaties of 'Are we there yet?', 'But all the other, err... grapes, get to do it', and 'Poke me, poke me, poke me!'
Repeated attempts to either banish or squish the grape prove unsuccessful. Maybe you can get a refund.

Gemini May 21 - June 20
Your main role in Life, this week, is to make sure we don't run out of those little green serviettes that accompany the drinks.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19
You will hum the entire length of the Beatle's A Hard Day's Night (album or film, it doesn't matter which), whilst standing naked in the middle of the Port Authority, in New York City.
This may be a good week for other signs to avoid the Port Authority, as traffic may be heavier than usual. And naked.

Cancer June 21 - July 22
You're stuck with a serious aversion to chocolate and chocolate-based products this week, possibly from last week's events.
The small but earnest dog that appears to be guarding your chocolate collection may have something to do with it, as well.

Pisces February 19 - March 20
You get a small green pepper in the box that your Hawai'ian Dream pizza comes in this week, prompting you to ring the pizza parlour and spend fifteen minutes berating the person on the other end for almost killing you, as you could have died if you'd eaten that pepper!
Of course, once you've hung up you remember that you're not allergic to green peppers at all. Cheese, however...

Aries March 21 - April 19
You will majestically migrate north this week, from one corner of your kitchen to the (of course) northern corner.
This will prompt your next door neighbours to erect binocular stands and begin making brochures to watch your breath-taking migration.
All of this is fine, until Greenpeace step in as you're about to dig in to a breakfast of instant coffee, sausages, beans on toast, eggs, tomatoes, and greasy fried things, spray you with an impressively powerful fire hose, and beat you with those placards they always tend to carry on themselves for endangering the wildlife.

Libra September 23 - October 22
Liberace will visit you in your sleep this week.
This may cause you to sleep considerably less for the rest of the week.

Scorpio October 23 - November 21
One of the furry creatures, in a break from sitting on your head (which they still, amazingly, persist in doing), lopes off into the forest, leaving you alone on the hill.
You have a feeling deep in the pit of your stomach that you should follow the creature, as you get the sense that it was trying to lead you somewhere, possibly something in the baleful look in it's eyes as it peered over it's shoulder at you before it disappeared into the undergrowth.
You manage to get stuck in the aforementioned undergrowth, and almost lose a tooth to it, but you manage to break through into a clearing into which the creature obviously passed through.
The creature seems somewhat shocked to see you, which you're guessing from the split second you saw it before it tore screeching off into the forest.
You figure that's another sign, and plunge in yet again, this time getting good and stuck in another patch of nettles.

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
The metaphysical properties of nine out of ten Sagittarii are 99.8% identical to the metaphysical properties of turpentine. Which is why, possibly, it appears in your horoscope so often.
This is not a hard scientific fact, though. Yet.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18
I am a sucker for a smile, as I may or may not have said before.
Mercury in your First House of Cosmic Fortune means that you should accompany a strange(r) to Paris on Friday. Hot pants optional.

[Horoscopes. I'm lame this week, so an oldie, but a goodie. (and late-breaking, this looks cool.]