Taurus April 20 - May 20
Venus, which isn't technically a star, predicts your week will be rosey.
The other stars are divided between pouting at a planet muscling in on their territory and smug derision, as that's not a terrifically exciting horoscope for someone to receive.

Leo July 23 - August 22
Venus, during the course of your week, will argue that it has just as much right to predict people's weeks as the stars, seeing as it's a celestial body just as much as the next star.
It then proceeds to make your week green.

Virgo August 23 - September 22
The stars argue that that is obviously not a proper week for a person to have, accentuating Venus' ineptitude and insuitability for governing affairs of people.
They turn your week into a turnip, out of spite for Venus' actions in the two previous horoscopes.

Gemini May 21 - June 20
Venus responds with a hearty laugh (not without malice) at such childishness, and points out previous unsuitable horoscopes provided by the stars, many including rather horrible puns.
Venus passes quickly through your First House of Fashion, redecorates your cat, and spills coffee on your sofa.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19
The stars that weren't pouting before now retreat to a corner to sulk, and pour pennies down on your week.
You'd be singing the song you'd expect to be reminded of, if you weren't being injured by the copper deluge.

Cancer June 21 - July 22
A small asteroid attempts to make a stranger and a box of chocolates happen into your Life this week.
It's not entirely successful, and you wind up scraping chocolate off the windshield of your car this week.

Pisces February 19 - March 20
The stars cry, "Now look what you've done," to Venus and point at the mess the small asteroid has made of things. While the asteroid creeps off into a corner the stars throw, looking rather daft, it occurs to them later, a handful of leaves at Venus.
Your week is invaded by the Normans. From Normandy.

Aries March 21 - April 19
Venus, realising the intention of the stars, if not feeling the insult, necessarily, as the leaves tend not to lend themselves to throwing, throws a few pieces of sweet and sour chicken it has on hand at the stars. A few are pelted with sticky-sweet crust and bits of gristly chicken.
Your week smells suspiciously like a bad clone of Hugo Boss.

Libra September 23 - October 22
Venus, hunting for the little asteroid, who has sensibly hidden behind one of Jupiter's moons until things get slightly calmer, is hit by the retaliatory throw of a lump of biryani rice moulded together with curry sauce.
Your week is spattered by curry sauce. Which isn't necessarily a completely bad thing.
The stars look very self-satisfied with the effort.

Scorpio October 23 - November 21
The stars, quite pleased with themselves, make the moss creature burp you up (which isn't a pleasant sensation, really), along with the furry creature that enjoys using your head as a seat.
While they're busy doing this they miss Venus coming until it's too late, and Venus pokes the stars in the eye.
You're left sitting, as a result of the interruption, in a tree, out of the moss creatures way, but sitting in a tree, which your ancestors long ago had given up, mostly because the ground tended to be a lot more difficult to fall off of.

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
The stars, without the benefit of 100% of their vision, kick out at Venus, nipping a relatively innocent Mars in the bargain, spinning it off into your First House of Stray Dogs, but also manage to catch a good portion of Venus.
Your week appears normal until you discover all the food in your fridge has apparently been replaced by seawater.
There is also a fly in your soup, which you fail to mention to the waiter for the obvious reasons.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Venus, sensing that it's going to have a nasty bruise on it's left side from the kicks of the stars, runs off behind the Sun, throwing one last tub of sweet and sour sauce at the stars as it scampers away. It trips over an asteroid, which it snarls at, though it isn't the small one that tried, valiantly, to influence someone's week earlier, and finds it's stubbed it's toe something horrible.
A gentle calm drifts over your week, in addition to sweet and sour sauce, which hits a wall by the stars, splattering themselves and most of the universe with the rather viscous sauce.
The stars spend a good portion of time wiping sauce from their eyes, and attempting to restore vision to the poked one.

[Horoscopes. Woohoo! (Quicktime needed)]