sanemagazine: wonderful rubbish

I will surely learn, at some point, how to use an umbrella properly.

You would think that people wouldn't find it terribly difficult to pick up the skill of holding an umbrella in such a manner that suggested it was, indeed, being used, so non-difficult to learn that you might almost think it was an innate skill, this knowledge of the proper utilisation of an umbrella. Innate might be stretching credulity a bit, even when you take innate to mean not innate but some fundamental bit of knowledge you pick up either very soon after having been born or it "activates" or something shortly thereafter (I don't know what your personal thoughts on the matter are, don't blame me, I'm just hypothesising what you might be thinking) and/or then take Hume's enquiry concerning human understanding and assume you can derive the task of holding an umbrella from other, more basic human tasks (like eating and drinking, not that I'm suggesting eating or drinking have anything to do with holding or using an umbrella, nor am I saying that I've been eating or drinking whilst attempting to hold an umbrella, perhaps suggesting the reason as to my continued disappointment, when it comes to umbrella-related things and events, I'm not; I have never tried to eat or drink while attempting to hold an umbrella, you have my word.) and suddenly understand how it is what is sometimes a stick with a slightly fatter fabric bit at one end and at other times a stick with a giant mushroom-like thing (this is assuming you've either derived the concept of mushrooms or have seen them before this point, or the point at which you saw your first umbrella opened) in different colours, depending on the person holding the umbrella (or person attempting to use it, as I can provide concrete examples of people who also can't seem to manage an umbrella properly) is supposed to be used in normal functioning (and usually wet) society (or, okay, not wet, if they're using the thing properly) and that it should be wielded or perhaps that it shouldn't be wielded at all but held daintily or carried with wild abandon is all divined from a glance about oneself.

However. And this is what I thought whilst being theoretical, before even attempting to take up an umbrella (on multiple occasions, against my better judgement and often at the urgings of others (or sly innuendo, leaving one behind at a visit or somesuch as if to suggest I'm not the type to go out and buy an umbrella due to my loudly voiced opposition to umbrella usage (on my own part only, for the most part, though. if someone were to ask me, I'd happily ban umbrella-usage altogether, unless those people who saw fit to use an umbrella were properly trained in it's usage and exhibited mastery of not stabbing innocent passers-by with their new utility) during the course of the visit, a subject in which I'm quite well-versed and shall spend hours upon hours (or, depending on the day and the company, minutes, at least, some length, is the general impression you should get) conversing about both the merits and perils of umbrellas and rain in general) I have had to resort to an umbrella, five or six in all perhaps, and none of the instances ended very happily, and the incidents, at least two of them, have the people urging an umbrella upon myself vowing never again to allow myself control and/or access to the umbrella. So while I have, indeed, used an umbrella, I don't think this should count against me, and should in no way brand me a hypocrite, in fact, I think it's admirable, personally, that I've used the very technology about which I often give quite long and thrilling sermons (I'm available for public speaking, should your organisation require a public speaker and finds umbrella-safety and theory interesting).

I just seem to be utterly unable to use an umbrella. And you'll note that this also counts for being near anyone else using an umbrella (not terribly often in London, you know), as that more often than not results in me being stabbed unceremoniously somewhere on my person.

All of which contributes to my overriding fear of umbrellas and crusade against their use (which includes public speaking engagements).

disclaimer:
We've had a few emails from astute folks that noticed that the My Netscape channel isn't working. Well, we have a little bit to say about that.

Thanks for the concern, though.

Live long and do fun stuff with dirt.



		archives horoscopes accessories contacts theatre fables home Search Sane: Add Sane Magazine to your My Netscape. [A Note on My.Netscape.Com		Kisses Are OK I will surely learn, at some point, how to use an umbrella properly. You would think that people wouldn't find it terribly difficult to pick up the skill of holding an umbrella in such a manner that suggested it was, indeed, being used, so non-difficult to learn that you might almost think it was an innate skill, this knowledge of the proper utilisation of an umbrella. Innate might be stretching credulity a bit, even when you take innate to mean not innate but some fundamental bit of knowledge you pick up either very soon after having been born or it "activates" or something shortly thereafter (I don't know what your personal thoughts on the matter are, don't blame me, I'm just hypothesising what you might be thinking) and/or then take Hume's enquiry concerning human understanding and assume you can derive the task of holding an umbrella from other, more basic human tasks (like eating and drinking, not that I'm suggesting eating or drinking have anything to do with holding or using an umbrella, nor am I saying that I've been eating or drinking whilst attempting to hold an umbrella, perhaps suggesting the reason as to my continued disappointment, when it comes to umbrella-related things and events, I'm not; I have never tried to eat or drink while attempting to hold an umbrella, you have my word.) and suddenly understand how it is what is sometimes a stick with a slightly fatter fabric bit at one end and at other times a stick with a giant mushroom-like thing (this is assuming you've either derived the concept of mushrooms or have seen them before this point, or the point at which you saw your first umbrella opened) in different colours, depending on the person holding the umbrella (or person attempting to use it, as I can provide concrete examples of people who also can't seem to manage an umbrella properly) is supposed to be used in normal functioning (and usually wet) society (or, okay, not wet, if they're using the thing properly) and that it should be wielded or perhaps that it shouldn't be wielded at all but held daintily or carried with wild abandon is all divined from a glance about oneself. However. And this is what I thought whilst being theoretical, before even attempting to take up an umbrella (on multiple occasions, against my better judgement and often at the urgings of others (or sly innuendo, leaving one behind at a visit or somesuch as if to suggest I'm not the type to go out and buy an umbrella due to my loudly voiced opposition to umbrella usage (on my own part only, for the most part, though. if someone were to ask me, I'd happily ban umbrella-usage altogether, unless those people who saw fit to use an umbrella were properly trained in it's usage and exhibited mastery of not stabbing innocent passers-by with their new utility) during the course of the visit, a subject in which I'm quite well-versed and shall spend hours upon hours (or, depending on the day and the company, minutes, at least, some length, is the general impression you should get) conversing about both the merits and perils of umbrellas and rain in general) I have had to resort to an umbrella, five or six in all perhaps, and none of the instances ended very happily, and the incidents, at least two of them, have the people urging an umbrella upon myself vowing never again to allow myself control and/or access to the umbrella. So while I have, indeed, used an umbrella, I don't think this should count against me, and should in no way brand me a hypocrite, in fact, I think it's admirable, personally, that I've used the very technology about which I often give quite long and thrilling sermons (I'm available for public speaking, should your organisation require a public speaker and finds umbrella-safety and theory interesting). I just seem to be utterly unable to use an umbrella. And you'll note that this also counts for being near anyone else using an umbrella (not terribly often in London, you know), as that more often than not results in me being stabbed unceremoniously somewhere on my person. All of which contributes to my overriding fear of umbrellas and crusade against their use (which includes public speaking engagements). disclaimer: We've had a few emails from astute folks that noticed that the My Netscape channel isn't working. Well, we have a little bit to say about that. Thanks for the concern, though. Live long and do fun stuff with dirt.


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