Taurus April 20 - May 20
Much future awaits you this week. With a tyre iron behind the Belgian restaurant.

Leo July 23 - August 22
Smile and the world smiles with you. Frown, and only Joe will frown with you.

Virgo August 23 - September 22
Winter and hard rain bring geese and good fortune. It is hard to type 'bring' and 'geese' together, because of the 'g's.

Gemini May 21 - June 20
True Love is yours. Follow the yellow brick road. Mind the lorries.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19
True Love is not yours. It was taken by the Gemini above. Hunt them down, they'll be on the yellow brick road.

Cancer June 21 - July 22
Life is like Gardening. They're both spelled with a capital letter. Oh, and they both involve dirt.

Pisces February 19 - March 20
You are a winner in all things you do, oops, except that.

Aries March 21 - April 19
Succintness is key.

Libra September 23 - October 22
Verbousity is key, ignore the Aries horoscope.

Scorpio October 23 - November 21
You have a bright and... oh. There is no future in being a Scorpio.

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Lucky feet under wet socks make beaten paths warmer.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Closing time, please leave restaurant.

[Horoscopes. closing time.]